28. January 2008 by Ria.

The movie starts out with three immature (two Americans and one Icelander), and unbelievably stupid guys running around loose in Amsterdam without their collars, looking for cheap thrills with just about any woman they can get their hands on. I was just sitting there, shaking my head, counting down the minutes when I could finally see all of them get their heads sliced off. I tell you, I didn’t have to wait long-a total stranger informs the guys that if they want to be able to sleep with pretty much any thing that moves, to travel to Slovakia.

So the guys head on up there to stay in a hostel room with two other women who are about to lead them to their deaths. One guy goes missing, then the second guy, winds up being brutally mutilated by a couple of weirdos in some kind of a dungeon. When you get to this scene, just turn your head for a few minutes, and then get immediately back to the movie, which is actually pretty good.

The only man left standing is Paxton (Jay Hernandez), and he’s not having fun anymore, and demands to know where his friends are. The two girls that he shared the room with takes him to some kind of factory where he finds his friend’s dead body, and witnesses other backpackers being tortured. Paxton is captured, and has pain inflicted on him by another maniac, and loses a couple of fingers in the process. But the psycho screws up, slicing Paxton’s handcuffs, and slips on the floor, injuring himself.

Paxton grabs a nearby gun, shoots the guy, steals his clothes, and makes his escape. Paxton soon finds out that he’s inside of a murder-for-profit organization, where capturing and hacking up Americans seem to bring in the most money. Oh, did I tell you, the Slovakian police are also in cahoots with this terrorist group, so Paxton, I don’t what to tell you buddy, you’re probably screwed, but then, isn’t that why you went there in the first place?

Interesting enough, Paxton isn’t so girl crazy now that his life is at stake, and makes a clever getaway, but not before bringing another tortured soul with him, Kana (Jennifer Lim) who’s face is completely jacked up. Okay, so they’re in the car, and Paxton sees his former roommates who are also part of the organization, but Paxton gets his revenge by running them over, oh yeah! So they make it to the train, where Kana gets a glimpse of herself, and would rather be dead than to be disfigured, (she’s apparently never heard of reconstructive surgery) and jumps in front of an oncoming train.

And after Paxton risked his life to save hers, boy, some people are so ungrateful! Okay Paxton, you’re home free, but once again he takes his revenge in Austria when he runs into one of the torturers, and opens up a major can of whoop-ass on this guy in the men’s bathroom. I give this movie  2 1/2 stars, plus an additional 1/2 star for the hero making his superb escape, and for his entertaining reprisal, and there you have it.

Hey, check out the trailer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYbaveZ0NYY

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5. January 2008 by Ria.

This is the story about a doll that goes around killing people, The End. Okay, okay, there is more to the story, and this is how it starts-Cutie Pie Jaime Ashen (Ryan Kwanten) comes home from the store, and sees his wife (Laura Regan) dead, and I mean dead. Kaputt, expired, departed, done, exhausted, you know what I’m trying to say. And there is this doll…………just sitting there as if to say,”LOOK STUPID, I DID IT, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?”

Now someone mailed this doll to Jaime, but he doesn’t know who, and figures the doll may have something to do with it, so he sets out back to his hometown (Raven Fairs) to bury his wife, and to find clues to her murder. Now be prepared, because there are a lot of weirdos in this town, what’s left of it. It looks like all the kool people left and came to Chicago were I am. Anyway, let me get back on track here. Jaime also meets up with his estranged father (Bob Gunton) and his new trophy chick, eh, I mean sweet and lovable wife (Amber Valletta).

While back home, Jaime gets the low down (no, not down lo) on the legend of Mary Shaw, a ventriloquist who was murdered by the Ashen ancestors, and because of this, sent a curse sailing through the ages, down the family tree. Detective Jim Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg) believing Jaime is the one responsible for his wife’s death, follows him to this strange town, and they both end up with more than they can handle.

I really don’t think Ryan Kwanten was the guy for this part. He reminds me of a surfer guy, and when I first saw him, I said to myself, “Wow. This guy is cute. He’s probably not too bright, and he won’t make it past the first scene.”  Of course as time went on, I realized that he was the main character, and then I started thinking all throughout the movie, “Jaime, Jaime, can I have your phone number?” 

They should have thrown (and I mean that literally) Shilo Lebouf in this role, as I would be waiting for him to get his head chopped off at every turn. It’s awkward how detective Lipton abruptly arrives at this supposedly abandoned mansion from chasing Jaime (who was never on the run to begin with), then they partner up after the house decides to spaz out, all this weird stuff happens, and then they learn to trust each other. Hey, I’m all for having backup, but I would have liked for the two of them to have been less adversarial from the start, making their new found partnership more believable.

This movie is definitely tamer than any of the Saw series. No gore, no torture, I liked it. What? Okay, okay, you’re mad because you don’t think a horror movie can be good unless people are being hacked to pieces, and hanging naked from a rope? Hmmm. You’re scaring me now. Thank goodness I’m probably thousands of miles away from you. “All right, I get it. You are a die hard horror fan, and this isn’t getting it for you, understood.” However, for those who would like to see a simple ghost story, this is it.

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