15. April 2008 by Ria.

This movie is a Matrix/X-Files rip-off about these weird alien goons called the Harvesters that feed off other people’s fears and distress. They also have the ability to manipulate reality, so they bother this guy Ian Stone (Mike Vogel) so that he keeps dying over and over again, and its up to him to find out how to put a stop to it. This is the kind of movie where you need to know the plot up front, because the worst thing in the world is not knowing where a movie is headed after 20 minutes.

In his first life Ian is some hockey jock, hanging out with his girlfriend, Jenny (Christina Cole). He senses something is not right, but he can’t put his finger on it. Oh well, too bad, he’s moving on to the next life, where he plays a yuppie with a dead-end corporate job. How do I know its dead end you ask, well, aren’t they all? So now, he goes home to another girlfriend, Medea (Jaime Murray), and Jenny and by this time, you just start thinking that he’s nothing but a player.

The next day, while coming home from work, Ian runs into weird guy Gray (Michael Feast) who alerts him of the troubles facing him. Don’t you hate those movies where there’s always one dork trying to warn the hero that their life is in danger? Geez Louise, let the guy find out for himself, after all, he is the star of this movie, and I’m sure he’ll figure out how to survive without anyone’s help.

Now after getting all this info from Gray, Ian runs home just in time to be killed by Harvester girlfriend, Medea. Well, I must say that day ended strangely, didn’t it? Next scene, Ian is now a sexy cab driver all decked out in black leather. This is definitely better, ’cause that yuppie life was crimpin’ his style. So he’s driving around, and guess who the passenger is? Yep, that’s right, its Jenny. Man, why can’t he get rid of that chick?

In his third life, Ian is unemployed, in the fourth, he’s a junkie, and Jenny is right there with him. Harvesters are still after them, so now they’re both on the run. This is when things get kind of stupid because Ian already knows that he can run but can’t hide from the Harvesters). Once again Gray shows up, and stars spilling the beans on everything. Ian was once a Harvester, the most powerful of them all, but he fell in love with Jenny, and killed one of his own (I don’t know which came first), and I guess that pissed off his former cronies, and now they want revenge.

The Harvesters can’t kill him, but they can drag him from life to life, making him miserable, until he changes his mind, and comes back to them. In his last harvest-controlled life, he’s restrained in some sort of device, and Medea tortures him like no tomorrow. Oh, I get it now, this is some kind of alien love triangle. Medea and Ian must have been a couple at some point, then Jenny came in and ruined it all.

But this doesn’t make sense, after all, Medea had many opportunities to kill Jenny, and if she truly wanted to keep Ian for herself, she could have stayed in the yuppie life with him forever. Well, wait, maybe not, because Medea liked feeding on humans, so she would eventually have to reveal herself. Wait, not really, all she’d have to do is play girlfriend during the day, and go out and terrorize humans at night, and on weekends. See how that would have worked out? Now it starts gettin’ good, Gray shows up one more time (in a wheelchair?) and adds the final pieces of the Harvester puzzle.

He must kill his former friends in order to stay with Jenny, and lead a normal human life (whatever that may be). Gray gives Ian all the energy he needs to kill those alien punks, and he goes back to the hockey jock life, and Jenny is right there with him. AWWWWWWW, how cute.

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26. March 2008 by Ria.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a really good horror movie, especially after all that Saw mess. All horror movie writers should be taking notes right now, they should all know that the best environment for a horror movie is one 25 million miles from civilization, out in the middle of nowhere, where the average guy can’t just jump in a car, hop on a highway, and leave. Writer Steve Niles knew what he was doing when he picked Alaska for the setting.

Now I hear there are a lot of good looking, single, and eligible bachelors in Alaska, and that must be true, since cutie-pie, and town sherriff Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett), takes the forefront, and shall be branded our hero in this movie review. Yes, Eben is a real handsome dude, and I’m sure he’s just a sample of the kind of guys lurking around in Alaska, but that’s okay, I’ll just have to be deprived, and take what I can get my hands on when I move to warm and sunny California.

Well, let’s start this…… A boat docks, and this weirdo guy gets off, he’s not a vampire yet, but he hangs with them, why I don’t know, but anyway, he comes to town trying to scare the mess out of everyone, warning them of the horror to come. “Why would you even bother Mr. Weirdo, no one’s gonna listen to you anyway.” This creep gets thrown in jail for causing a scene in a diner, while the vampires sneak  into town, and first they take out the dogs. I’m surprised no one heard all that shooting and yelping going on.

“Okay, rule #1 for all those living in small towns, always be alert and aware of what’s going on around you, just because you live in a small knit community doesn’t mean you’re immune to any kind of violence, especially vampire violence. Oh well, too late for that advice, because the vampires came, and owned everyone in it, leaving a few stragglers behind. Now these vampires weren’t your typical everyday, how-ya-doin’ vampires, these guys were creepier, scarier, and faster.

Don’t believe me? Okay, when one of them comes towards you with blood all over their mouth and clothes, and they’re saying stuff like, ”Milak, filma mousa acka ieiush iwkse”, just stand there and see what happens to you. I think the most intriguing part of the movie was watching the people in the town sacrifice themselves to try to save a loved one, no, I’m not talking about Eben’s estranged wife, Stella (Melissa George), but I will get back to her in a minute.

Remember when Isaac, the old senile old man who wandered out that house, and the son, Wilson who went after him? First of all, how was that old man fast, and sneaky enough to get past everybody, and get out of the house? Now I understand the son going after him after realizing he was gone, but damn Wilson, “Did you have to call out the old man’s name 50 million times, so that the vampires would know where you were?”

“You can look for someone without screaming your head off like a banshee, ’cause trust me, your father is old, and slow, so if he’s not within eye range, just figure the vampires chewed him to bits, so please stop screaming his name!” Well, I guess it doesn’t matter, since they both died anyway. Now towards the end of the movie, the night before the sun was to return, head vampire Marlow (Danny Houston) decides its time to burn down the town, so no one would know that they were there, and so people can still believe that vampires are only fairy-tales.

“Well listen here Mr. Vampire! I witnessed the whole thing, and I can tell you right now, you’re not gonna get away with it! I’ve already alerted the Army, the Navy, and the Marines, so you and your posse are in a lot of trouble!”  Now around this time, Stella, and some girl are hiding under a truck, but flames are quickly approaching. If they run, they’ll be killed by Marlow, if they stay, they’ll be burned alive. So hero Eben injects himself with vampire’s blood, in order to take on Marlow so the others can run to safety.

He succeeds in killing Marlow, but dies after the sun came up. BOOOOOOO!  “See Eben, you never should have rescued Stella from under that truck, after all didn’t she run off to Anchorage, to start a new life without you? You should have let her ass burn like toast! Oh, and as for you vampires, you think you are so hard core, bring your vampire asses to Chicago, and see what happens! If the gang-bangers don’t get you, then Oprah most definitely will!

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2. February 2008 by Ria.

Hostel II takes over where the previous one left off. The writers bring back Paxton (Jay Hernandez) for a hot second, but the underground criminals from Slovakia caught up with him in the first twenty minutes of the movie, and took his head right off. Oh well, you know what they say, exercise, eat right, kick some psycho’s ass, and die anyway.

Let’s switch gears and head to Italy where we run into three art students, one in which will be our new hero. You’ve got to feel sorry for the other two, but don’t shed any tears yet. They run into trouble by the name of Axelle (Vera Jordanova) who has a way with words (I guess), and talks them into visiting the infamous hostel in Slovakia that we all know and love.

So they get to the hostel, hand over their passports to the desk clerk, who uploads them on some kind of auction site, to all those rich weirdos who will bet to see who will pay the most money to slice the girls to pieces. The three girls attend a Harvest Festival, where Art Student #1, Lorna the desperate goes off with a total stranger named Roman on a boat ride.

Oh well, I guess she’ll just learn her lesson in the next life, because she’s about to lose the one she has now. Roman and his buddies kidnap her, and she ends up in the dungeon, hung upside down, naked, and shackled by the ankles. An Elite Hunting Client comes in, takes her clothes off, slices and dices Lorna, and bathes in her blood. If you are the squeamish type, this is the time for you to go make some more microwave popcorn, but hurry back, this scene doesn’t last long. Art student #2 goes missing, and Beth (art student #3) starts to gets suspicious. Too late girl, some weirdos are eyeing you, so just run.

Wait, wait! I forgot to tell you about Todd (Richard Burgi), and his friend, Stuart (Roger Bart) who won the bid to slice up art student 2 and Beth. Now Todd is really a pompous jerk, Thinking he’s a bad ass, and all along talking about all the gory things he going to do to art student 2 all the time he’s in Slovakia. Now his friend Stuart (who met Beth at the festival), is a little ambivalent about these things. He gripes about getting the Elite Hunting Tatoo (which all clients must have), in fact, he’s having second thoughts about the whole thing.

I guess that means that he’s only half crazy, so maybe he’ll think twice about hacking up Beth, and save her instead………..NOT!!! After Beth is captured, she comes face to face with Stuart again, who at first decides to let her go, then does a 180 degree Norman Bates on her, and figures it’s probably better to just chop her up, after having flashbacks of his wife who treats him like crap. I tell you, these rich guys are something else. They marry women that are only after their money, and then get mad when they find themselves sleeping on the couch a year later. How is that Beth’s fault?

Don’t worry folks, Beth is not going down so easily. She overpowers Stuart, after getting him into a vulnerable position, you know, that position where a guy thinks he going to get sex, but instead gets the crap beat out of him. Good job Beth, but how are you going to get out of there, here come the guards! She actually buys her way out, after convincing Sasha (CEO of Elite Hunting) that she is rich (she really is) and will give them a good chunk of money to let her go.

Sasha tells her that she must then fulfill the contract and kill Stuart who tries to stop his execution by saying he’ll pay more than Beth is willing to offer. Sorry Stuart, they just found out that you’re a broke joke, and that Todd (who got mauled by the dogs for chickening out of his contract) paid your way there. Oh well, Stuart, it was nice knowing you, Bye! Beth castrates Stuart (his private stuff wasn’t worth looking at anyway) and walks out. You go girl!

Oh wait, Beth is not finished yet, now that she’s experienced killing, she takes her revenge on Axelle (you know, the chick that led her there in the first place), and chops her freaking head off! Hell Yeah! I give this movie two stars and 1/2 stars, plus and extra 2/4 of a star for having a unpredictable plot, and another 2/4 of a star for the hero once again using the thing that we all call a brain, and for getting revenge, so what do we have here, 2+1.5+2 divided by the 2.00+another 1.5 divided by…………WHATEVER 3 STARS!

Check out a scene from the movie. No, its not a torture scene!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIXaC2-R-LI

Hostel - Part II (Unrated Widescreen Edition)

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