25. March 2008 by Ria.

Okay boys and girls, this is the last episode on this Search and Destroy DVD, so let’s get into this. The scene starts off with some weird guy laying on some kind of operating table, and he’s naked. Trust me, there’s nothing to see, so all you pervs out there just calm down. Besides, he’s ugly anyway, so don’t knock yourself out trying to see his private parts.

So the guy is laying on this table, and this deep, scary voice comes out of nowhere, asking him if he would like to live forever, and the guy finally says yes, so these things penetrate his body, and the scene cuts off, and another one starts. Now, I’m not sure what this has to do with the tea in China, but maybe things will be fully explained on the next DVD, I don’t know.

You know, to live forever is a huge step, maybe that guy should have told that voice, “You know Mr. Whoever you are, I need a couple of days to think about it, and then I’ll get back to you.”  I don’t know, maybe the guy was about to die, and he had to make a decision right then and there, but people don’t understand the connotations of living forever. If you’re a guy, just think of all the times you’ll get married and have flings, and all the women that will be standing in line, trying to get that child support, so something for you guys to think about.

Now if you’re a woman, think of all that unprotected sex you’ll have over the course of a few centuries, and all the children that will appear, resulting in some serious baggage when the guy takes off, and then what? You think some guy will want to get involved with a woman and her 100 kids? Not only that, why are you trying to overpopulate the earth?

Well, whatever, enough of that, next scene, Sir Integra is having some crazy dreams, and she wakes up with some vampire woman named Laura standing over, doing perverted things to her. Sorry, this isn’t Hentai, so just calm down, and put you eyes back into your sockets. Of course, Integra isn’t enjoying any of this, but since she can’t move, there’s nothing she can do about it. Then, Laura decides to take a huge chunk out of Integra’ s neck. I guess she got pissed off when she saw Integra wasn’t enjoying any of it.

I’m really worried about Integra, but we’re gonna have to leave her for a second, and skip all the way across town to be with Alucard as he meets his biggest Nemesis, Incognito. Okay, everyone’s got a front row seat, right? Now, I’m ready to watch Alucard beat the living (or in this case, dying) mess out of this vampire weirdo, when he opens his big mouth, and reveals to Alucard that Integra won’t be alive for long.

So Alucard flees the scene to be by Integra’s side, and to make sure she’s alright. Damn, and I wanted to see Incognito get owned. Oh well, maybe on the next DVD. Wait, I forgot something, yes, I know, while Integra was getting attacked, Victoria was trying to save her, but Walter (Hellsing Butler) was under Laura’s control, and stopped her from getting into the room.

Alucard, stronger than just about any other vampire was able to get in, and destroy Laura, but too late, Integra was bitten, and soon she’ll be a vampire, NO WAY! Can you imagine her calling ugly- as- hell Incognito master? Then Alucard would be free, right? “Well Alucard, maybe now you will be able to do whatever you want, like hang out in bars all night, bite whomever you want, get some ladies’ phone numbers, do a little traveling, that doesn’t sound too bad, right?”

Well, I don’t know what he’s gonna do, but Sir Integra slashes into her own throat, either to kill herself, or to stop the vampire poison from racing through her body. Damn, that’s a pretty dramatic move, but come on ladies, would you rather have some good looking, cool guy like Alucard under your whim, or have some thing that looks like he’s been ran over a few times by an Amtrak train ordering you around, telling you what to do? The choice is yours, end of episode.

Hellsing - Search and Destroy (Vol. 3)

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22. March 2008 by Ria.

Okay, now this episode is kind of boring, because there’s no vampire butt kicking in it, and Alucard doesn’t show up until the end, so I just thought that I might warn you in advance. Now remember, the Hellsing organization is all jacked up because of the Valentine Brothers, then they had to contend with Mr. Anderson, so there’s not many soldiers left.

As a result, Sir Integra brought roughnecks off the street for Victoria to train. In the middle of one of her seminars, some goof laughs and jokes about their being a real vampire under the organization’s wing. Victoria, obviously pissed off, but doesn’t show it, politely goes up to the guy, and bends his gun.

Not bad Victoria, but maybe you shouldn’t be doing that since you need all the help you can get, suppose that guy can’t afford another gun? Well anyway, in the next scene, Victoria goes home, staring at a picture of her father, and I’m assuming he’s dead, since she’s talking to the picture, and he’s nowhere around. Now there’s some kind of pie on the table, well, I’m not sure what it is, but to me it kind of looks like a round Twinkie. All the sudden, there’s a knock at the door, and Victoria whips her pistol out, while she answers the door.

Hey everyone, it’s Harry Anders with MI5(like I know who and what that is). So Victoria invites him in to sit down, and can you believe the first thing he does is asks for her round Twinkie, stating that he hadn’t eaten that morning. “Harry, you greedy dog! I can’t believe you, trying to get food from a total stranger like some street person! Okay, so you knew Victoria’s father when he was alive, but so what, you don’t know her so that makes you and her strangers!”

“You need to take your moochin’ ass around the corner to the nearest Subway, and get the 2 footlongs for $9.99 special, eat one, and offer the other to Victoria! She probably won’t take it, but so what! Don’t let her think you’re just some broke joke that slithered in off the street, or she’ll never take you seriously!”

“Oh and another thing, how do you even know she’s a good cook? Now that she’s a vampire, she could end up doing strange things with food, like killing roaches, and waterbugs with her hands, and stuffing them into cakes, pies, salads, soups, hey, you just don’t know!”

“You’re just a dumb guy, Harry, and maybe that’s why your car was bombed and you fried in the front seat after Victoria got out.” Oops, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here, that happens towards the end, but it’s okay to tell you I guess, ’cause the middle scenes are lame anyway. (Sigh) Maybe I should fill you in on some of it, but I’ll make it quick.

Harry takes Victoria to visit some boring vampire named Helena, to ask her assistance in fighting this new breed of vampires that are being manufactured by machines. He also believes that there is a traitor among Helena’s people, but from what I gather, it doesn’t seem like she’s going to be getting involved in all this. Good, now I can stop talking about her, and get to some good stuff.

In the last scene, we see Sir Integra all tied up, as men with guns charge towards her. She shouts out Alucards name, and everything disappears. It seems Alucard was playing with her mind, and she’s pretty pissed about it. ”Look Alucard, now I know you’re awesome, but don’t mess with Integra. She’s your master, she could get mad, and confine you to your coffin for a week or so, and I’m sure you wouldn’t like that.”

Well, we know Alucard was just having a little fun. He’s all excited about his new foe that’s in town, and he’s ready to rock, go Alucard! Okay kiddies, one more episode on this DVD, then we’re done!

Hellsing, Vol. 3: Search and Destroy

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20. March 2008 by Ria.

Okay, this episode picks up from where we left off in Vol 2, when all of the Hellsing organization was left in shambles after the Valentine Brothers and their clan of goons ran through there killing almost all of the soldiers. You do remember what happened in Vol 2, right? If not, you’d better throw Hellsing Vol 2 into my search browser, so you don’t miss anything. I broke Vol 2 into two parts, so remember to read both.

Now, we see Sir Integra at the funeral for all those Hellsing soldiers who fell in combat. Remember, they all turned to ghouls, and she had to put them out of their misery with a bullet to the brain. So Integra comes back to the Hellsing compound, and a man by the name of Enrico Maxwell stops by to pay his condolences. Well, not really. Anyway, Enrico is the head of the Iscariot Vatican Special Section 13 Organization. Well, don’t ask me, I don’t know what that is, but I believe they too fight vampires, and ghouls, and they don’t like the Hellsing Organization too much.

Alexander Anderson is a member of that group, don’t you remember him (or it)? He and Alucard battled it out in another Hellsing episode that I will be getting soon, but don’t worry, you won’t miss anything, because they’re about to tear it up in this one, too. Anderson is some kind of a priest who uses holy weapons to attack vampires, and he can’t stand Alucard either. “You know Mr. Anderson, don’t play with Alucard, ’cause he’ll cave your skull in, and I’ll be sitting back cheering him on with my beer in one hand, and giving high fives with the other.”

Anyway, Maxwell pays a visit to Integra with some flowers, supposedly to express his deepest sympathy, but all the while sticking the knife in her (figuratively) by reminding her most of her men are dead, and its all her fault. Well, Integra’s not gonna stand by and listen to this crap, she slaps the flowers out of his hand, and verbally puts him in check. Then, Maxwell strikes back by calling her a Squealing English Sow. What? Uh Oh, it’s on now, where’s the address to the Hellsing Compound, so I can come there and slap Maxwell into the middle of next week!

It seems I don’t have to worry about a thing, because my man Alucard is on the scene. “That’s right Maxwell, he heard everything you said, now he’s gonna blow your head off!” Now Alucard pulls out his piece, when Integra is informed that Mr. Anderson is battling Victoria, and the rest of the Hellsing crew in another part of town. Integra leaves first, then Alucard, on his way to rip Mr. Anderson apart. “Wait a minute Alucard, don’t leave Maxwell alive, he talks too much crap, blow his brains out like you were going to. What? You can do that later? Okay, but don’t forget.”

Alucard saves Victoria from being struck down by Anderson, and the two go at it, blow by blow. Anderson gets a good lick in, and takes Alucard’s head right off, then, sticks a knife in it, and then, check this out, Victoria picks up his head (with the knife still stuck in it), and starts walking away, talking to herself, trying to find out what to do next. “Okay, Victoria, you’re supposed to be trying to get away, so why are you walking, and why are you still holding his head? I know Alucard is all that and a bag of chips, but he’s also dead at the moment, and there’s nothing you can do with just a head. And besides that, aren’t you scared to be holding that thing?”

Now while Victoria is still pondering what to do, Anderson catches up with her, and knocks her down. “Victoria, you might not make it out of there, so I need to know who’s next of kin, so they can pick up your remains, and make sure you get a proper burial.” Well, no need to worry about that, because the Hellsing Ace is about to be resurrected. Alucard’s body turns black with a couple of eyes sticking out (his trademark), and the same happens to the head. Then, Victoria gets scared, and drops the head (a little late if you ask me).

“Good to have you back Alucard. Now mess that fool up so we can go on to the next episode, besides, I have to go the bathroom.” So once again the two of them go at it, Alucard fires a few shots but misses, then Anderson gets scared (I guess) and retreats. Well, I’m sure this war between them isn’t over, but this review is, so stay in touch for Episode 8!

Hellsing, Vol. 3: Search and Destroy

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