16. April 2008 by Ria.

See, I would have given this episode three stars, if only they would have kept blond vampire dude out of it. In fact, that’s how the episode starts off, vampire dude grieving over dead girlfriend/boyfriend. Now I’m not sure if vampire dude killed him/her, in fact, we never really find out what happened between those two. All we know is that there is a dead guy/girl named Mic, and vampire lover is grieving over him/her.

Next scene, vampire dude ends up dead, not sure what happened, but there he is on a cold slab, having an autopsy done on him. This is what happens when writers leave a lot of holes in the storyline, and you’re left to guess what transpired. Well, anyway, during the autopsy, doctors find a chip. Remember in Red Rose Vertigo, when we found out that humans were using machines to manufacture vampires? Well, I think that’s what we’re looking at here.

Anyway, vampire dude is dead, so now we can leave that guy, and focus on Victoria, who is still having a hard time adjusting to her newbie vampire status. So she strolls into her room all exhausted, and once again, we see table, candlelight, and some chilled blood in a wine bucket. How romantic, sitting alone, drinking someone else’s bodily fluids, I’m so envious. You know what would be nice, if Alucard would actually join her, then they could sip together. Oh, I forgot, Alucard is too cool for that, so I guess Victoria is own her own.

Now she opens the blood, pours it into a bowl, and after swirling it around with her spoon, she decides to flush it down the toilet. From out of nowhere, Alucard’s voice is heard, telling her to drink or she’ll get weaker. “Alucard, where in the hell did you come from, do you have no shame? How do you know she flushed the blood down the toilet if you weren’t spying on her? The bathroom is a private place, and there’s no reason for you to poking your vampire eyes in there, you super pervert!”

Victoria tells Alucard’s voice that she feels like she being turned into something inhuman. “Well you are stupid, its called a vampire, a preternatural being, so get over it already.” Next scene, vampire dude has risen from the dead, and has opened up a can of whoop-ass on police officers. Now, this is what I don’t like, why do they keep sending ordinary mortals officers in to take care of vampires that are more powerful than they? Now the police squad are dead, and the Hellsing soldiers get called in, including Victoria.

The Hellsing guys get killed pretty quickly, and once again, I don’t understand why the mortals go in first. See, if I was a Hellsing soldier, I would have pushed Victoria out there first, and told her not to come back until vampire dude was destroyed. Then I’d go hide around the corner, waiting to see what would happen next. Well, why not? Victoria is supposed to be all that and a bag of chips, why should I risk my life when she’s the one that can’t die?

Now after all Hellsing soldiers called to the scene were turned into ghouls, Victoria’s Captain tells her to take the shot. Victoria kills all ghouls, but vampire dude is still standing.  Before you know it, Anderson kills Captain Garrett, and shoves a blessed knife through Victoria’s neck. Ouch! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about that guy. He and Alucard duked it out in episode 7, and now he’s back bigger and badder than ever. Hey, I’m not scared, ’cause I know Alucard can easily own him again.

Anderson is a priest from the Iscariot Organization. It seems that they have been killing vampire ghouls a lot longer than the Hellsing Organization, and naturally, they can’t stand each other. Now vampire dude is still running around, until Alucard arrives on the scene, and destroys him, so now the real battle can begin. Alucard says to Anderson, “You shouldn’t have come here, Catholic.” Oh, I get it, this is a religious battle, so I’ll just stay out of this one, sit on the sidelines with my popcorn, and enjoy the view from there.

Okay, now Anderson charges with his blessed knives, and Alucard uses these dance like moves to dodge them, but still takes one in the chest. No problem, ’cause Alucard takes his specialized gun, and blows him into oblivion. “Good, now that he’s been taken care of, lets go to the nearest blood bank to celebrate.” Well, Maybe I spoke too soon, ’cause here comes Anderson once again, revived by a human re-generator (never heard of it before, but would like to have one), and stabs Alucard with millions of knives.

Now Alucard is a bit weak, but still hanging in there, so round two is about to start, when Integra comes in and puts a stop to the whole thing. Integra tells Anderson that he exceeded his authority, and will suffer the consequences of his actions. She also shows him the letter from the Archbishop, telling him to return to the Vatican immediately, to which Anderson complies.

When Anderson leaves, Integra chastises Alucard first, saying there’s no room in the Hellsing family for vampires that get pummelled by a human re-generator. Then she starts in on Victoria saying she doesn’t need a half-starved vampire who can’t protect her own commander. “Okay Integra, while I agree that Victoria is a mess, and should be kicked to the curb, but I’ve got Alucard’s back on this one. First of all, he was handling Anderson just fine until you stuck your big nose in, and ruined the whole thing.”

“Alucard, I would leave the Hellsing Organization, ’cause Integra is acting like a witch right about now. What you need to do is go to the nearest Kinko’s and have them make you some business cards, and have people hire you for your services. You can become some rich person’s bodyguard, the sky’s the limit you know.”

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12. April 2008 by Ria.

First of all, this is a lame ass episode, so don’t expect me spend a whole lot of time talking about it. Towards the end of Club M, we watch Alucard wasting his valuable time dealing with stupid Bonnie and Clyde vampire posers, enemies that are way too weak and dumb for Alucard to deal with, so I’m pretty disappointed in this episode.

Since the ending is flat, lets just skip that and talk about the beginning. The first part of the episode deals with Victoria trying to make the adjustment from human, to freakazoid. I guess you might be interested in knowing how she’s handling it, but I know I would rather watch Alucard kick some real vampire booty, so the beginning of this episode and just as bland as the ending.

Well, for the sake of a decent review, I’ll try to whiz through this. Victoria has just transferred over to the Hellsing Organization, and now her first assignment is to kill this vampire that’s attacking innocent bystanders on the street. Ferguson gives her the order to kill it, but Victoria chokes, and another Hellsing officer takes the shot.

Ferguson is not at all pleased with her performance, and tells her that she’s too high strung. “Okay, so what does that mean, she can’t handle all this vampire excitement?” Walter, former vampire hunter introduces her to the Hellsing organization by giving her a coffin to sleep in for the day hours. “Well how nice, a coffin, I’m sure that’s what she’s always wanted.” Not only does she get a coffin, but they’ve set a table for her, with a packet of medical blood on it. Yuk. I can’t even imagine, and neither can Victoria, ’cause she gets all pissed off, and smacks it off the table.

“Victoria, what’s wrong with you? Why are you throwing good blood away, do you have any idea how many sick people who could really use the blood that you just wasted?” Whatever, that’s her issue, so let’s skip that drama and zoom in on Alucard who unexpectedly drops in on Integra, and she chastises him for bringing big boobed bimbos into her organization. Well, she didn’t quite put it that way, but you get the drift. Then Alucard has the nerve to try to cover it up by saying “the police-girl made the choice herself’.”

“Okay Alucard, now how long are you gonna use that excuse?”  Next, Integra shows him pictures of the crimes created by those teenage vampire hooligans, to which he makes a quick comment, and Integra responds by saying, “No one asks for your opinion”, so Alucard splits. Integra, why are you snappin’ on Alucard like that, are you PMSing or somethin’? This is the second time that you’ve copped an attitude with Alucard for no reason at all, and I’m getting kind of tired of it.”

Next scene, Victoria enters the Hellsing Gun Range, and………..Hmmmmmm, there’s some hotties in there, who needs Alucard? “Victoria, try to get a few phone numbers for me, because I’m sure they wouldn’t be interested in dating you, especially after I tell them that you’re a vampire, so you better just pass them on over to me.”

These Hellsing cuties realize that Victoria is the only woman officer on the team, and they decide to tease her by trying to get her hold this extremely heavy gun, so they can laugh hysterically after she struggles to pick it up. However, they don’t know she’s a vampire, and she picks up that gun like its a piece of paper or a feather, so I guess she showed them up. “Whatever girl, just get me the phone numbers, and don’t take too long to do it, I need a date for Saturday night.”

Now from this point on, the story shifts to the teenage vampire terrors, and since they are  a waste of a couple of characters, I won’t waste my time talking about them. Just know that in the end, Alucard and Victoria owns both of them, ok? One more to go on this DVD, and we’re done!

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6. April 2008 by Ria.

The episode opens up with some guy inviting a vampire hooker back to his place. Now I know you’re a little annoyed that I’m judging her based on the way she’s dressed, and maybe I shouldn’t be doing that. Anyway, back to what I was saying, this guy invites the VAMPIRE HOOKER back to his place, and while he’s talking sweet nothings to her, centipedes are falling from the ceiling. “Man, you better get out of there! Forget about that ghoul, get away from those centipedes as fast as you can, those things are gross!

Of course he’s not paying those creepy crawlers any attention, he’s into this chick, but then Alucard shows up sitting on the sofa, looking all hardcore, and blows the lady brains out. Hell yeah! Alucard is awesome! Next, we find out that Victoria and some Hellsing soldiers are out on assignment to take out another vampire disguised as a priest, that’s turning people into ghouls. First, the police were dispatched, but they were all killed, and now this guy is doing away with the Hellsing soldiers, except Victoria who hasn’t met up with the guy yet.

First, she runs into Alucard who’s walking around, all pimped out in his red coat and hat, looking for this vampire priest, to put him out of his misery. Alucard taunts her, and she puts a bullet right through him, which of course you know has no effect on him. Then, she runs right into the church where the vampire priest is, but she isn’t sure if he’s the one she was sent to destroy, but she keeps her gun on him anyway. It may be too late for her though, because he hypnotizes her, and there’s no telling what he’s gonna do to her next.

All the sudden, Alucard breaks down the door, and starts treatin’ his ass, so everyone, get your paper and pens out. Now, I’m gonna run down to you some of the stuff Alucard says to this guy, so you can write it out, and say it the next time you run into someone that you hate. Ready? First Alucard calls him a goddamn punk, then he calls him “less than garbage, more like scum.” Oh yeah, then he tells him that he “looks like a vampire freak, and he’s not worthy of the lowest pits of hell.” Are you guys getting all this?

Now the priest is pissed off at this point, and summons the hellsing soldiers that he turned into ghouls to shoot Alucard down like a dog. They blast away, messin’ him up badly, and destroying his glasses. Oh no, not the glasses! “QUICKLY, SOMEBODY GO RUN TO THE NEAREST DOLLAR STORE AND GET ALUCARD ANOTHER PAIR!” So there is what’s left of Alucard, his suit, and blood all over, but what’s this, he pulls himself back together again, and he’s just fine! Now Alucard blows all the ghouls away with his specialized gun, while he starts in again with the verbal insults, so I hope you didn’t put those pens away yet.

Next, he calls the vampire a cockroach, then “undead maggot trash”, Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about! Now the vampire priest tries to verbally strike back, calling Alucard, “A plaything of the humans.” Is that all you can muster up vampire maggot? Uh, oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, ’cause now he uses poor Victoria as a shield. When he finds out that Alucard can’t be killed, he offers a partnership between the two of them. So he’s going on and on about how they should work together, but Alucard is not listening. He tells Victoria that he’s gonna take this guy out and if he does, the bullet will rip through her lungs.

If she doesn’t join him, she dies, but if she does join him, she’ll live forever as a vampire, not a ghoul, after all, Alucard is the super vampire, no one turns into a ghoul after he bites them. So Victoria decides to join him, and POW! the bullet rips right through her and kills maggot vampire. Man, I like the way I say that, let me try it again. Maggot vampire. Maggot vampire, MAGGOT VAMPIRE!

Now Victoria is bleeding to death, and Alucard reminds her that she made the choice, and he bites her. “Hey wait, Alucard, I’m wounded too! Look, I have a hangnail, and it’s making life unbearable for me, so I guess you’re gonna have to bite me too!” Oh well, I tried. Anyway, by this time Integra arrives, and here comes Alucard, carrying Victoria. He tells her that he has silenced the target, and she has the nerve to say it took him too long to do it. “Oh really Sir Integra? Well then I think you need to get your stuck up butt out there and try to kill some vampires since you’re so displeased with his work.”

Alucard tells Integra to transfer Victoria to the Hellsing Organization. “Yeah Alucard, you got exactly what you wanted, a big boobed chick following you around, calling you master. I knew under all that coolness you were nothing but a pervert.”

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