23. March 2008 by Ria.

Mark Wahlberg takes third billing in this movie, which means I immediately have to take off 1 star for that. I mean, who is the Joaquin Phoenix guy compared to Wahlberg? Let’s see the dossier on this Phoenix guy. Okay, brother was the late River Phoenix, hmmm……..let’s see what else……….he was in Walk the Line, The Village, and To Die For. Well, I haven’t seen any of those movies, so I guess they really weren’t that important.

Joaquin stars as Loser Bobby Green who runs a nightclub for hoodlum drug dealer Marat Buzhayev (Moni Moshonov). In his spare time (and he seems to have a lot of that) he messes around with girlfriend Amada (Eva Mendes). I’m telling you, Bobby leads an exciting life, let me just run off to you a typical day in Bobby’s world.

Wake up, take shower (maybe), heavy smoochin’ with girlfriend, snort coke, go to the club, snort coke, gamble with buddies, snort coke, throw wild parties, snort coke, hang out with hoodlum drug dealers, snort coke…..See, this guy’s got it made in the shade, for those of you who are into that kind of stuff.

Now in comes my hero, Joseph Grusinsky (Wahlberg, of course), and Police Daddy Grusinsky (Robert Duvall), wait, back up a second. Robert Duvall is still around? Damn, how old is that guy, 100? Well whatever, “Keep it up Pops”, that’s all I have to say. Joseph was just promoted to head up the Narcotics Division, and the first person he’s going after, Vadim, a relative of Marat, who hangs around the club a lot.

Now since Bobby knows these guys, Joseph wants him to be a first class snitch, but Bobby says, “No Way!” After all, why should he give up living in the fast lane just to be a stoolie for his brother and father? Oh, I forgot to tell you, Bobby uses his mother’s maiden name (Green) so that his loser buddies won’t know he’s related to cops. Well, whatever. Bobby won’t snitch, but Joseph gets his revenge by raiding the club, and arresting Bobby.

Dad gets him out, then the two brothers go at it, first a war of words, then fists start flying. Bobby calls Joseph’s wife a fat ass, what? How dare you call her that! She might be dumpy looking, but she’s no fat ass! Anyway, Joseph leaves, Vadim does a drive by, and shoots him. What? You mean to tell me my man Joseph is gonna be out of action for a while? How long, 30 minutes?

Okay, I have to take off another star, just for security until he gets back into the movie. What? Don’t you need a deposit to rent an apartment, or a car, until you give it back? Well, same thing here! Now after Bobby finds out about his brother being shot, his whole demeanor changes from this point on. No more cracking jokes, or coking it up with the boys. No more drug parties, and flipping people off.  He wants to help catch Vadim, so he goes turns informant, and leads the cops to a new stash house Vadim is running.

Okay, now we’ve got some good action here, Vadim finds Bobby’s wire in a lighter, cops barge in, and there’s a major shootout, SWAT team goes nuts, and tries to cap off anything moving, including Bobby, who jumps out of window to escape the mess. Okay, good scene, I’ll give 1/2 star back.

Bobby and girlfriend Amada have police protection now, at least until he testifies against Vadim, which should be in a couple of months. Damn, 2 months staying at the Cue Motor Inn, what a drag. However, the police allow them to attend Joseph’s welcome home party. He’s back! Okay, now I can restore another 1/2 star, all right! So the two brothers and dad talk, and I’m not gonna get into what they were saying, because I don’t feel like it. Trust me, if it was important, I’d let you know.

Anyway, lets skip that, and get to the scene where Joseph finds out that Vadim escaped the hospital, he was taken there for having (faking that is ) chest pains, so now, Bobby, and Amada have to be moved to another hotel, a suite at the Sheraton. What? Are you kidding me?

“Now Bobby, when you get there, make sure to take all towels, soaps, and bed spreads on your last day, Okay? Oh, and don’t forget to call for room service every four hours, the police department is flipping the bill, right?” So Bobby and Amada get a police escort to move them to the Sheraton, but some good that does, because Vadmin finds them and starts a high speed shootout in the rain, taking out Daddy Grusinsky along the way.

Damn. Brother gets shot, now Dad’s dead, “What are you gonna do now Bobby?”  Well he decides that he now would like to be a police officer, and Amada wigs out. “Amada, what’s wrong with you? You believe that if he becomes a cop, you won’t be able to get any more drugs? Stupid girl, don’t you know, no one has access to drugs like a cop?”

“All he has to do is arrest a petty drug dealer, take his drugs, and money, turn him/her loose, and bring the stuff back to you, and it’s party time as usual. It happens day in, and day out, didn’t you know that? If he gets promoted to the Narcotics Division, then you’ve really lucked out, and in no time at all you could end up being some rich junkie wife of a cop who’s also a junkie, now how does that sound?”

Okay, one more paragraph, and that’s it! Cops find out there’s a Russian shipment coming in, and Bobby is appointed a conditional member of the police force, but he still has to go through the academy, in order to be a legitimate cop (whatever that means). Bottom line, Bobby goes in, arrests Marat, and takes out Vadim, and when its all said and done, he becomes a cop himself. Way to go Bobby! You just traded in one group of thugs for the other, good job!

We Own the Night

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14. March 2008 by Ria.

I absolutely hated this movie. Well, hate is a strong word. Okay, how’s this, I really, really, really, really disliked that movie. Does that sound better? See, I was already in a bad mood when I sat down to watch this film, but when it was over, I was completely pissed off! Denzel Washington plays Frank Lucas, a high class drug dealer who uses money and violence to get his way. Sure he used his money, how do you think he got that chick Eva (Lymari Nadal) to marry him? Denzel, how could you allow yourself to end up in a dumb movie like this? All the movie scripts that were put before you, and you chose this garbage.

And it was actually nominated for an Oscar? Hold on a moment while I find out what category it was nominated for……………………….Best Actress, Ruby Dee who played Frank’s mom. Are you kidding? The only good part she had was when she slapped Frank, and that was it. Who knows, maybe it was such a hard slap, that the Oscar judges were like, “Hey, see how she swings her hand up and swiftly swoops it all the way across his face? Let’s nominate her right away!” Whatever-look, I’m so tired of movies about drugs, they’re getting played out.

Well, some movies about drugs are OK, it’s movies about drug dealers that’s getting tired. Now we’ve had some good drug dealers movies that have emerged in the past 40 years, let’s see here, there’s Scarface, New Jack City, Blow, and Sugar Hill, but I’m telling you, this American Gangster movie stinks. Sorry Denzel, you’re a superstar, but you can’t save this movie, so just grab the millions that you got for being in this stink bomb, pocket it, and look forward to happier days as you start on your next film!

Let’s talk about the co-star, Russell Crowe, who played Detective Richie Roberts, the one that took Frank down towards the end of the movie. Now the Hollywood writers tried to make this guy’s life seem so dramatic, so that you wouldn’t get bored and give it the one star that I gave it, but it doesn’t work. Detective Richie’s life isn’t going so well, his wife is about to divorce him, and take the son to Las Vegas. Well bye lady, and don’t let the door hit you in the butt on your way out! What’s the next piece of drama brewing in his life, oh yeah, he’s surrounded by corrupt cops everywhere, and his junkie partner ends up overdosing on this new heroin called Blue Magic.!

Once again, none of this moves me-to the pissed off point, yes, but that’s all. Men going through divorce is normal, and so is existing in the same world with corrupt cops, so what now? Oh yeah, let me touch upon those putrid officers giving Richie a hard time for returning the one million dollars in unmarked bills that was lying about in a car. I’m sure the man did what he thought was right. He probably returned the money because he was already financially secure, I’m sure he had a couple of IRA’s, bonds and futures, right?!

You mean, he didn’t have any money saved? You mean he was three months behind on his mortgage, and car note when he returned that money that no one would have missed? RICHIE, YOU DUMBASS! HOW COULD YOU RETURN THAT LOOT? I’M GLAD YOUR WIFE WAS SMART ENOUGHT TO DUMP YOUR BUTT! Oh, did you know he was a cheat, too? Messing around on the wife, but trying to play saint by returning money that probably belonged to some drug dealer who didn’t deserve to have it anyway. Stupid, stupid guy, and stupid movie, One star!!

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10. March 2008 by Ria.

You know, I was really excited watching this film, from the beginning I kept asking the question, “Now which one of these hoodlums is gonna kill Jesse?” Oh wait, you do know that Brad Pitt is starring as Big, Bad, Jesse, right? Yeah, and lets not forget Casey Affleck, the punk kid who idolizes him. You know, the one thing that I’ve noticed about this movie is that, its not so much that Jesse is intimidating, its just that everyone else was scared to be around him. Even I was holding my breath, because I didn’t know what Jesse was going to pull next. Well wait, there were a few episodes where Jesse was out of control, so let me touch upon those scenes.

Lets talk about the train robbery in Bluecut, and you know, I’m still trying to find out how that happened. How do you rob a moving train? Well, the train did stop, but it didn’t look like it was at any station-it look like it just stopped out in the middle of the woods. Yes, I know this was in the late 1800’s, but c’mon, how does the trainman sound saying this-”Okay everyone, that last stop was River Road, next stop is the middle of the woods, anyone getting off better have a pistol ready to fight off bears, lions, and members of Jesse James’s Gang.”

Then I thought the train may have stopped because one of the gang members was standing on the track. Look, all I know is that if that was an Amtrak train, there would be one less robber around, because Amtrak is not going to slow down just because you’re standing there, trying to act all hard core.

Wait, I’m supposed to be talking about Jesse, right? Well, the gang rob this train, Jesse wallops the guy guarding the safe in the head, and tells him to open it, which he does. Then Jesse tells the guy to get down on his knees, in which he replies, “You’ll have to make me.” Stupid thing to say, because Jesse was ready to take this guy out, until one of the other members intervened. Oh wait, there is another scene I have to tell you about where Jesse is about to do some damage. After the train robbery, the gang is dismantled, Jesse’s brother Frank leaves to go sell shoes, other members are dead or in jail, and some members are just scattered, but Jesse finds one of them, a man by the name of Ed.

So they get to talking, Jesse all relaxed, and easy, while poor Ed looks like he just seen a ghost. He’s sitting there, shaking in his shoes, revealing that another gang member Jim Cummins, said that Jesse was planning to kill him. Jesse assures Ed that he has nothing to worry about, that he just happened to be stopping by, and invited him into town, so that he could buy dinner. So they take off, with Jesse riding in the back, then Bam! oops, I meant POW! No more Ed. You know Jesse, I like you, but that’s some cold hearted crap you’re pulling, shooting a man in the back like that. See, if you would have asked me to go to town with you to get dinner, I would have just said, “Nah, that’s okay, I just called Gino’s Pizzeria down the street, and they’re sending over a double stuffed pizza with sausage and peppers in it, so feel free to stay for a slice if you want!”

So the pizza shows up, right? Then I’d tell Jesse, “Here’s a twenty, Jesse, why don’t you pay the guy, while I scrounge around for loose change”, then when Jesse goes to pay the pizza guy, POW! No more Jesse. It’s obvious that Bob was taking down notes, because he and his brother took my advice, and sent Jesse to an early grave by using my tactic. Well, they didn’t call for a pizza guy, what happened was after spending some time with Jesse, they just had a feeling he was going to kill them. You have to see the movie, because I’m telling you, I felt the same way. So they took Jesse out while his back was turned, actually, he took off his holster, because he didn’t want to have a shootout in front of his two kids, stood on top of a chair in order to straighten a crooked picture, and the Ford Brothers got him.

Now, Bob and Charlie are hailed as heroes, but the stardom doesn’t last long as people begin to turn on them, and call them cowards. In the end, Charlie kills himself, and Bob is assassinated. Hey wait, why was Bob a coward? I would have snuffed Jesse out too- Well, I would have tried to run first, and if that didn’t work, I’d do my call-a-pizza-guy number on him. Yes, I believe the Ford Brothers did the right thing, but one huge mistake they made was taking an acting job in which they kept reliving the scene where they killed Jesse. I think that was a bit cruel, but oh well……….THAT’S HOLLYWOOD FOLKS!

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

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