13. May 2008 by Ria.

This movie starts off with a jewelry store robbery. Well, it actually opens up with a sex scene, but since I’m not a pervert like some people, I immediately skipped to the robbery. Yes, I know sex is is a part of everyday life, and so is crab lice, but I wouldn’t want to see that all over a TV screen either! So we have this guy robbin’ a jewelry store, while the owner was there, but she grabbed a gun, and pumped a piece of lead in him.

“Nice going grandma, but still, too risky…….what if you didn’t get to the gun in time?” So the robber gets shot, but unfortunately grandma didn’t finish the job, and Mr. Robber is able to get a shot off which injured her, but now she’s pissed off, and pulls the trigger one more time, ending Mr. Robber’s life for good. Now the accomplice sees his partner’s body flying through the front store window, and he wigs out before speeding off.

Mr. Accomplice gets to a phone to call some guy to tell him that the robbery was botched, and we are introduced to the characters through a flashback so we can find out what led up to this point. You know, Hollywood writers and directors are always trying to do obscure things with movies, that they get a little carried away sometimes.

For example, in this movie we have not one, but several flashbacks that run on different timelines that may confuse you. The first scene after the robbery takes place three days prior. Okay, I can deal with that, ’cause I can just follow the storyline from there. Then the Hollywood writers get carried away by throwing in flashbacks from four days ago, then the day of the robbery, then two days before the robbery, is this supposed to be cute or somethin’?

Anyway, there is so much drama in this movie, its guaranteed to entertain you, I promise. Andy Hanson (Philip Seymour Hoffman) a man with serious issues, cons his younger brother Hank (Ethan Hawke) into robbing their parents jewelry store. Now check this out, Andy doesn’t take part in the robbery, but since he’s the mastermind behind it, wants a cut of the money.

What’s really sad is the fact that Hank is so gullible, he actually goes along with this, but brings in another guy without consulting Andy, and now Grandma is dead as a result of that gunshot wound she suffered, when Mr. Robber got his one shot off.

Andy is in a lot of trouble as a result of embezzling money from his company as a result of a wicked drug problem, and this is happening because he never felt accepted by his dad when he was a child. “ANDY, STOP ACTING LIKE A WUSS AND GET OVER IT ALREADY!” I’m so damn tired of these movie characters that have a slightly dysfunctional childhood, and because of that, they can’t behave themselves in the everyday world.

Now Hank has his issues also. First of all, there’s something wrong with a guy who would let anybody talk him into robbing his parent’s jewelry store, even if no one gets hurt. But he’s got financial issues as well, as he falls behind in his child support payments. Oh, did I tell you that he’s having an affair with Andy’s wife? Yes folks, this movie is ten soap opera shows rolled up into one.

I guess if Dad was a jerk, I could go along with his son’s antisocial behavior, but he seemed like a normal everyday guy (until the end of the movie), and since I wasn’t convinced that he was a monster, I’m gonna give this movie 2 1/2 stars. However, if you are looking for drama on top of drama, see this movie! Maybe the real lesson to be learned is that no one (even parents) can ever be blamed for someone’s else’s screw ups, and that’s a tough lesson to learn!

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead [Blu-ray]

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4. May 2008 by Ria.

Oh my goodness, this film is horrible, horrible, horrible! Bad acting, bad picture quality, bad camera lighting, bad plot, how much did it cost to make this movie, $100.00? I have one quick question, what is a first rate actor like Lou Diamond Phillips doing in a crap movie like this? After watching this movie a couple of times, I still can’t figure out what its supposed to be about. All I know is that there’s a bunch of killing, swearing, and lame ass sex scenes thrown together, and that’s it.

Let me tell you right now, no one in this movie can be taken seriously. We’ve got two detectives that are supposed to be on a stake-out that end up sleeping together, we have a fat greedy-ass police chief who could care less about the violence in the city, he just wants to make sure that he has a plate a food in front of him at all times. Then we have corrupt cops having coke orgies, no you won’t get a chance to see anything, so if you rent this DVD thinking you’re gonna see a hot and nasty scene, save your money and stop being a desperate pervert.

Next we have Mayor Padial (Lou Diamond Phillips) who’s messing around with the assistant D.A., and we’re supposed to believe that all these government retards are actually trying to clean up the city, and put an end to crime, yeah right. In the first scene, we have Detective Coulon (Alec Rayme) and wife Nikki talking 100 miles an hour, that I had a hard time grasping what they were saying. Now Nikki is supposed to be a lawyer, but it’s interesting how I never see her in a court room or in an office working on a case, she’s usually at home on the phone trying to get a hold of her husband.

Now I’m thinking to myself, man, this Coulon must be a real handsome guy if Nikki is trying to keep a tight leash on him, but with the bad camera lighting, it was hard to tell what he looked like until a few scenes later. Then I was like, “DAMN COULON, CAN YOU PLEASE GO GET A SHAVE?” I know a detective’s salary may not be all that, but I’m sure he can afford a razor and some shaving cream, c’mon already!

Now we have Carmello (Dan Garcia) who’s been selling drugs, and killing people for most of his life, right? So he decides to pay a visit to his mother’s home for approximately 5 minutes. She rambles off a scripture from the Bible, and all the sudden his life has changed, and now he wants to go straight. Now who in the hell is gonna believe that bunch of garbage? The man has money, drugs, and women hanging on him night and day, and unless he gets parts of his face blown off, he’s not gonna give up that life that easily.

Next, we have the assistant D.A. hangin’ around the hood, trying to get answers for her big case. First of all that’s a load of crap, because that’s a cop’s job, oh wait, I forgot there are no real cops in this movie, so strike that. But why is she out and about in an all black outfit with sunglasses to match, looking like she’s auditioning for a part in the matrix? 

I could go on and on, but you get the message, this movie was terrible, but the good news is that I never have to watch it again!

Click on link below to suffer, I mean to watch the trailer!

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1614642395

CinemaNow. Try it FREE!

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1. May 2008 by Ria.

This movie really needs to be in the comedy section, ’cause its funny as hell, except things get a little more serious near the end. So here we have Alan (Don Cheadle), a good looking dentist with a boring life, and Charlie (Adam Sandler), hilarious, but an extreme basket case after losing wife and 3 kids in the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

I’m telling you, he’s got some serious issues, he has no friends (until Alan), pushes his in-laws away, and tries to pretend his family never existed. ”You know Charlie, you’re a complete weirdo, why don’t you go attend some anger management classes, and get some grief counseling?” However, Charlie does has a couple of things going for him. First of all, he has a strange sense of humor, and second, the man is sittin’ on a couple millions, so I’m sure there are plenty of people that would love to chum it up with him.

Now Alan is havin’ a good ol’ time hanging out with Charlie, they play video games, and go to the movies together, but Alan’s wife Janeane (Jada Pinkett Smith) is jealous of their friendship. Please, who in the hell would want to hang out with her, putting together puzzle pieces all night, and attending photography classes, I’d rather hang out with crazy Charlie, than stale bread Janeane any day.

But it gets kind of hard to be friends with Charlie, since you never know when he’s gonna snap, so Alan tries to get him to see a therapist. Now I honestly think he should have stayed out of it, but I guess if they were gonna stay friends, Charlie would have to talk to someone. Okay, so Charlie is in counseling, but instead of dealing with his grief, he starts talking about the therapist’s boobs, and dumb stuff like that. See, when it comes to seeing a counselor, I believe that men should see men, and women should see women, to avoid sexual stuff like that from coming out.

“I don’t know Ms. Therapist, Charlie sounds like a hopeless case, and I know he’s getting on your nerves, but continue to see him anyway so you can keep milking him for $300 a hour, or whatever you’re charging, don’t worry, he’s good for it.” While the therapy sessions didn’t work, Charlie decides to open up to Alan.

Unfortunately, talking about his family causes him to wig out, and is arrested by police after a waving-a-gun-around episode. Charlie is forced to have psychiatric evaluations, in which the hospital wants to see him committed. Of course the hospital would like him in there, so they can financially rape him, then throw his crazy butt back out on the street when he runs out of money.

Well Alan and in-laws step in to see that it doesn’t happen, and on top of that, Alan brings another crazy person to Charlie’s house (a dental patient, another hilarious story), I guess just to see if she can help Charlie with his broken heart. I don’t know about that, but she can definitely help herself to his millions of dollars, I know I would.

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