14. April 2008 by Ria.

In this movie, Bogart stars as Fred Dobbs, a bum hangin’ around the streets of Tampico, Mexico, beggin’ people for money on a regular basis. The storyline leads us to believe that Dobbs is just down on his luck, and struggling to survive, until he can find a steady job. However, as the movie progresses and his true personality comes to light, we find out this isn’t the case. In other words, by the time you finish watching this movie, you’ll realize that the reason he’s broke and homeless, is because he’s a stupid jerk with some serious mental issues, and nobody would legitimately hire him to do anything, anyway.

Okay, so he’s walking around homeless, and he asks this prosperous looking guy for some dough, and the guy gives him 1 peso. That’s it, one peso? However, I find out that this one peso can keep you from starvin’ for a least a few days, if you spend it right. Well, first of all the movie is set back to the 1920’s, so I’m sure a peso back then could go far. Also, It seemed that the places Dobbs patronized, were charging him centavos which are far less than pesos.

Let me just give you a quick Mexican Currency lesson here. It takes 100 centavos to equal 1 peso. Now why is this important? Because Dobbs was able to buy a lot of stuff with his peso. First he bought himself a meal (or maybe it was booze), then, a lotto ticket. Oh, Robert Blake of Barretta and Little Rascals fame shows up as the boy selling him the lotto ticket, so make sure to catch a good glimpse of him getting water thrown in his face by Dobbs for being a pest.

Now for all of you who believed Blake killed his last wife, you’ll be able to watch that water-thrown-in-face-scene and smile, because it’ll probably be the only punishment he’ll ever get. Okay, now Dobbs has his peso, and he’s good to go, at least for the morning, so he wanders into the park, and there he meets Curtin (Tim Holt). They start talking about how broke they are, and how it would be nice is someone offered them a job, or if they could start a business. Then Dobbs is off again, and he asks the same prosperous guy he met earlier for money, and the guy gives him another peso.

Now with this peso Dobbs is able to get a nice shave and haircut. Good, now he’s a clean shaven bum. He runs into the same prosperous guy again, and asks for money, but by this time, the man is pissed off, gives him two pesos, and a lecture on how he needs to leave him alone and start asking someone else for money, and Dobbs complies. Now I don’t know what he did what those two pesos. Maybe he put in a bid for a new XBOX, or the latest Blu-Ray television, I’m not sure, but what I do know is that in the next scene, Dobbs is out there beggin’ for money again, and he runs into some shyster by the name of McCormick (Barton MacLane).

This guy offers Dobbs, Curtin, and a whole bunch of guys a job, and after everyone works their ass off for two weeks straight, McCormick runs off without paying anybody a dime. But, before he does that, he gives Dobbs a ten spot, and tells him to meet him at some bar, and of course he never showed. Dobbs and Curtin, wasting the 10 dollars away, probably on booze, take the last $2.50, and rent a room at a flop house for the night for 50 centavos.

Here they meet this old dude named Howard (Walter Huston), an expert in gold digging. So he’s in there talking about his expeditions, how greedy men get when the find gold, and all the while, Dobbs is absorbing all this new information. Then Dobbs steps in and says that if he found gold, he would only take what he set out to get, and leave the rest. “Yeah right Dobbs, YOU ARE SUCH A FRIGGIN’ LIAR! You acted like a total moron all throughout this movie from the time you found gold, and that’s why you lost your life in the end!”

Yes folks, I’m skipping over tons of scenes to tell you that, but so what. Well, I should at least cover some scenes where Dobbs turned into a paranoid schizophrenic, but who knows, maybe he was one from the get-go. Whatever, so Dobbs, Curtin, and Howard find gold in the mountains of south Mexico and the fun starts. First, Dobbs wants to divide up the gold as they go along, instead of letting one person hold on to it until they get back into town, and divide it there (the normal thing to do).

Then there is the scene where Curtin and Howard talk about what they plan to do with their share, and they’ll stop diggin’ when they get to $25,000 a piece. Then, greedy ass Dobbs steps in and says he’s gonna stay and get as much as he can, $75,000 or more. Curtin in so many words calls him a pig, and Dobbs wigs out, and demand a portion of his gold, ’cause he invested the most money in this expedition (oh, by the way, Dobbs won that lotto contest, 200 pesos).

I could go on and on, but you get the drift by now. In the end, Dobbs turns into a full blown schizoid by planning to run off with Howard’s goods while he’s enjoying some Indian hospitality for a few days. Curtin threatens to blow Dobbs’s head off, if he even tries to steal from the old man, but one night when Curtin fell asleep, Dobbs was able to get his gun, and shot him, taking his gold too. Now Curtin didn’t die, some Indians found him, and brought him to Howard, but Dobbs trailed on alone, ran into bandits, and got what was coming to him. Unfortunately, the bandits ripped open the sacks filled with gold, and the wind blew it away.

So now, Curtin is back to being broke, but hey, he’s still alive, and the old man? He’s gonna live the rest of his life as some kind of effigy to the Indians since he saved a boy’s life in their village. Good movie, but too many unnecessary scenes, like the bandit shootouts (there were 2), and an execution Mexican style (even though none of these scenes evolve the storyline at all). Oh, and I’m sorry, you’re not gonna make me believe that Indians don’t know how to save the life of one of their own, and that they have to ask unemployed bums looking for gold for help.

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17. March 2008 by Ria.

Horror legend Vincent Price stars as Henry Jarrod, a very gifted sculptor who runs a wax museum. So the movie starts out with Jarrod happily working away, when in comes mean, cruel, and nasty business partner, Matthew (Roy Roberts) to spoil all the fun. Matthew gripes and moans about the museum not returning a big enough profit for him, and demands Jarrod to either make changes, or find someone to buy him out. Well, Jarrod has already set that plan into motion, big time investor Sidney Wallace (Paul Cavanagh) stops by to take a look at things while pondering if he should go into partnership with Jarrod or not.

Finally, Jarrod considers it, but won’t make a final decision to after he gets back from his trip to Egypt which will last about 3 months. Well, this pisses Wallace off, 3 months is way too long for him to wait, so do know what he does? He sets fire to the wax figures right in front of Jarrod, hoping the insurance company will pay off. That’s got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard of, as if Jarrod is going to just sit there while you burn his masterpieces.

Wallace, this is what you’re supposed to do, you’re a partner right? You have keys to the building, right? Good, wait until the middle of the night, when no one is around, use your key, unlock the door, and quietly set fire to the place, and leave. In the morning, when Jarrod and the police start asking questions, you just play the dumb role, and say, “Gee, I don’t know who could have done something so terrible, all I know is that it wasn’t me. I was at home watching the Sci-Fi channel, oh wait, TV wasn’t invented yet, so I guess all I was doing was watching the second hand move slowly on the clock for about an hour, then went to bed.”

www.postpalace.com

See how easy that was? But oh no, you had to be stupid and start a fight right in front of Jarrod, and of course he beat the mess out of you, but unfortunately you got a good lick in, then split before the place blew up, leaving Jarrod inside. Next scene, Wallace is sitting at some restaurant with his sugar baby Cathy (Carolyn Jones), and I’m going to tell you right now, I’m glad she got it, because she was getting on my nerves. She’s got this horrible laugh, and all she does it sit around talking about men all day. Sorry guys we women really don’t do that (notice I said women and not girls).

Anyway, Matthew talks about receiving a check from the insurance company for the sum of $25,000, so he and Cathy can run away together. Matthew goes to his office to get the money, and guess who’s there? Its Jarrod, looking cooler than ever! Okay, so he face is burnt to a crisp, but he’s awesome, much more than the typical scary person. He’s got this wicked black cape, and a hat to match, plus he walks, not straight, but kind of crooked-Well I don’t know how to put it, what kind of example can I give you…………………..Hey, do you remember the movie (one of the best horror flicks ever made), The Shining with Jack Nicholson?

Remember in that movie when Jack Nicholson was limping with an ax in his hand, going after his son? Well, that’s the way Jarrod was walking, you’ve got to see it for yourself, it’s one of the best makeup, wardrobe, and acting jobs I’ve ever seen. Well anyway, he strangles Matthew, ties a knot to his neck, and the other end to an elevator shaft, and throws him down it. He also kills Cathy (thank goodness), covers their body in wax, and opens up another wax museum. He also creates a wax figure of his own face which he wears in public, so he won’t gross everybody out, and of course, no one knows he’s this hideous monster that’s going around killing people.

Cathy’s friend Sue crossed paths with Jarrod a couple of times. She was the one that found Cathy’s body, Jarrod was in the room at the time, decked out in his Creature Feature outfit. He chased her all around the neighborhood before she ended up at a friends house. A couple days later, dumb Sue leaves her window open and there Jarrod was again, about to take her out, when she screamed, and he fled the scene. See, he needs her body too, so that he can complete his Marie Antoinette wax figure, but he doesn’t catch her, well not that time, but…………….

Well, Sue visits the Jarrod’s wax museum a few times, and eventually she finds her friend Cathy’s body, dressed as Joan of Arc and its on now! Jarrod chases and catches her, drugs her, and almost gets away with dipping her into the hot wax, when she’s rescued by the cops. Jarrod kicks butt for a while, but slips up and falls into his own pot of wax. Bye Jarrod, but hey, I love your outfit!

House of Wax

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10. March 2008 by Ria.

Je voudrais que vous parliez a’ Stella. Je voudrais que vous lui disiez de ne pas me suivre. So do you like my french? What I just said was, “I want you to talk to Stella. I want you to tell her not to follow me.” This came from a scene in the movie, just when Robert Stroud was about to leave Leavenworth Prison, on his way to Alcatraz. I wonder why they call the movie, Birdman of Alcatraz, because Stroud didn’t move to Alcatraz until late in the movie, like when it was almost over. Oh well, let me lay some more French on you-Tenez, vous feriez bien de vous habiller. This is what people say when they have crazy one night stands, and wake up with that stranger in the bed next to them. It means, “Here, you better get dressed.”

Now why am I telling you all this? Well, my DVD rental came with French Subtitles. I was kind of surprised, I didn’t ask for it, but it was a nice treat. I picked up a few phrases, but does anyone know how to say, “Hey, Burt Lancaster, can I have your phone number?” in French? Whatever, lets get into this movie review………..Movie begins with Burt Lancaster as bad-ass Robert Stroud, who is imprisioned for killing a guy in Alaska who beat up a lady. I’m telling you, Stroud is hard core all the way-First, he starts a fight in jail and winds up in the hole. Then, he gets out, and kills a guard for not letting him see his mother. So he winds up in the hole again, but this time, he’s going to be charged with murder, and sentenced to die, until mom steps in and pushes the President to commute her son’s sentence to life in prison.

Mama Stroud may have saved Bob’s neck, but he will have to spend the rest of his life in solitary confinement. So days and months pass, and one day, while Stroud is out in the rain, he spots a wounded baby sparrow. Stroud takes it in, and nurses it back to health by feeding it roaches, and other bugs that crawl on his cell wall. Yuk. You mean to tell me they can’t keep those jails clean so that crap won’t be crawling all over the man’s cell? At least give him a can of Raid or something-Well, he really won’t be needing it now, he’s got a bird to take care of.

As the years pass, Stroud acquires more birds, and decides to get involved with the cytology, and biochemistry of birds, and eventually publishes a book, Scientific Study On Diseases of Birds, which took him 7 years to write. Raising birds, and acquiring all this knowledge somehow changes Stroud from being mean and quick tempered, to someone more solemn, and easy going. Just between you and me, I also think he gets cuter as he ages.

Wait, quit laughing, I see I’m going to have to run the facts of life down to some of you. All of you good looking teens and twenty-somethings, yes, I know you think that you have the world in the palm of your hand, and that you can get anyone that you want, but I’m here to tell you, enjoy it now, because your looks won’t last! No, I’m not a hater, just have your fun for the next ten years, then forget it. Now a young guy or girl can be ugly as hell, then blossom in his/her late thirties to early forties, and keep it going until the age 60, so there!

Okay, back to my review. Yes, they throw a couple of white hairs on Stroud, put lines under his eyes, slows down his movements, but he still looks good. As for Mama Stroud, damn makeup people, did you really need to add all those wrinkles to her face? I thought one of them was going to fall off at any minute, there were so many-Hollywood’s answer to aging an actress is to start packing all those wrinkles on her face. How sad.

Whatever, okay now 15 years later, Stroud gets transferred to Alcatraz, and decides to write another book, this one to be called The History of Federal Prisons and What Prison Does to Men. Stroud states that it’s a blast to the Penal System. Now, in the movie, the warden confiscates the book, so it’s never published. The real Stroud has passed on, but he would be rolling around in his grave if he knew the American Prison system is worst now that it was back then. I read in the paper a few weeks ago that 1 out of 100 Americans are incarcerated. No, not in other countries silly, right here in the States! That’s an awful lot of people, man.  You don’t think so? If you knew there was 1 out of 100 chances of being struck by lightning, instead of 1 out of a million, would you ever leave the house when it started to rain? In fact, would you bother to leave the house at all?

Now for the 99 of you who think you’re safe, after all, you smoke, but don’t inhale, right? Remember, 1 in 100 incarcerated is a lot of people, so you can get arrested for doing any ol’ thing, SO YOU JAYWALKERS BETTER WATCH OUT! Does anyone know how to say that in French?

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