22. July 2008 by Ria.

This movie was excellent for several reasons, and one of them was because most of it was filmed in the city I was born and raised in, sweet home Chicago! Where else would you make a blockbuster action packed movie? Only thing is, where in the hell was I when the city was being blown to bits by the Joker?

Let’s talk about him for a hot second, do you think that the Joker was able to live up to all that hype? The answer is, HELL YES! While I really didn’t care to see his face on every Poster, T-Shirt, and every piece of underwear, I will give him kudos for a fine performance.

I would describe the Joker as eccentric, and cocky, definitely cocky. While he was able to crack a good joke from time to time, he wasn’t the kind of guy that had you rolling around in the isles laughing. Besides, you can get thrown out of the theater for that.

Now we all know what a bad ass Batman is, so I won’t talk about him, so I’ll move on to his alter ego, Bruce Wayne. I’m telling you, the director hit the jackpot when he picked Christian Bale to play the part. I mean, the guy is so charismatic, it’s not even funny.

Hell, he’s better than that Michael Keaton guy who played Batman in the 80’s, and I actually can’t believe that I can still remember that dude. Anyway, I’m gonna leave you with two spoilers, but don’t worry, they’re not the really important ones, so feel free to keep reading.

First spoiler, the Joker takes over Chicago, oops I mean Gotham City. Now don’t get me wrong, the Joker is a smooth dude and can be quite intimidating, but I wouldn’t just up and leave my house because of some crazy guy, give me a damn break. But the way he was able to seize control of a huge city was so ingenious, you’ll just have see the movie to find out how he does it.

Second spoiler, Lucius quits his job after Batman does something unethical. Now I’m on Batman’s side here, he did what he had to do in order to catch the Joker. I know you’re probably saying, “Ria, who gives a damn about Lucius anyway?” Well I care!

You know Morgan Freeman plays the character, who is extremely cool. Who else is Wayne gonna rely on to design all his awesome suits and Bat Cadillacs? I like Lucius, and I don’t appreciate Hollywood for trying to write him out of the script like that.

Yes, you have to see this movie, but you might want to wait a couple of weeks until the hype dies down a bit. Why? Because I had to wait in a line for 20 minutes after I bought my ticket, just so I could get a good seat in the movie theater!

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19. March 2008 by Ria.

Hollywood is enamoured with the Anno Domini period, and the reason may be because wild tales of ogres, kings, queens, and dragons bring a lot to the imagination. You will find all these characters in this movie, and I can’t wait until we get to the part about the dragon, but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, so let me slow down and start from the beginning…….Somewhere in Denmark, we find King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) having one hell of a party, when it’s interrupted by some freak-a-zoid named Grendel.

First I want to say, it’s nice to see Anthony Hopkins back in another good role, ’cause I wasn’t so crazy about that film, what was it called, the one where he killed the wife, Fracture? See, that would have been a much better movie if Hopkins would have just kept his mouth shut, and stop gloating about how he blew his wife’s head off, and got away with it. Anyway, enough about that, back to Beowulf, well, this goon Grendel opened up a major can of whoop-ass on Hrothgar’s posse, and it was all over for them.

Grendel was about to mess up Hrothgar, but decided to let him live. Later on, we find out that Hrothgar is Grendel’s father-Wow, doesn’t this sound like some tragic mess you’d find on a daytime soap opera? Well Grendel, its no wonder the Queen won’t sleep with you anymore. It’s not that she’s bitter, its just that there’s no telling what kind of diseases that Demon Mom might have. The Queen could sleep with you, and in the morning, her face, arms, and legs might fall off, so you can forget about having sex with her ever again. Better to be safe than sorry.

Now, everyone is either too weak, or scared to take on Grendel, but in comes our hero, Beowulf, to stand up to the challenge. Okay, let me take a close look at him, just to make sure he’s the right guy for the job. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Great in the looks department, Yes, he ’s perfect for the job. What’s that? What about his fighting skills? Well, don’t ask me, how in the hell should I know?

Well, everyone’s happy to finally get a brave soul to go up against monster Grendel, until Unferth (John Malkovich) opens his big ass mouth and recalls a time when Beowulf was in a swimming race with some other dude, and lost. Oh well, I guess its time for everyone to pack their bags and get the hell out of Dodge City, ’cause its obvious Beowulf’s not going to get it done, especially if he can’t win a swimming contest. What do you mean I picked him? Yeah, to win Mr. Universe, but not to fight weird monsters!

Beowulf didn’t waver in courage, or confidence, and he and his men stayed the night in the mead hall to wait for Grendel. Oh, did I tell you Beowulf was naked? I give him a 10! a 10! Well, I didn’t get a chance to see him fully in the nude, because some stupid idiot had his elbow in the way, so I couldn’t get a good look. Damn! All right! Whoever that guy was who blocked my view is a Beowulf hater, and I want his name right now so that I can body slam him a few times!

Anyway, Grendel comes back to kick more butt, and got a few licks in, however, Beowulf owned him in the end, then he dragged himself back to his mom and died. Good. That’s one less ugly thing we have to look at in the world. Hey Beowulf, do you think you can get rid of spiders and centipedes for all time, ’cause I don’t think my one can of raid is gonna do the trick. Well now Grendel’s mom is all pissed off, and destroys the rest of Beowulf’s crew, except Wiglaf (Brendan Gleeson), who was probably out a bar somewhere trying to pick up some chick, and that’s why he’s still living.

Now Beowulf has to take care of Mom Demon, so he sets out to find her, and encounters an attractive woman (Angelina Jolie), and she seduces him. Keep in mind that he knows she’s some kind of a demon that has already killed his men, and he sleeps with her anyway, and trust me, he didn’t do it for gold, or diamonds, or to rule a kingdom. C’mon guys, you’re not really so desperate that you’re gonna sleep with a caricature when you know damn well that underneath, she looks like Jabba The Hut, right?

Please tell me you wouldn’t sleep with something inhuman-the thing that killed the men that fought by your side, right? If you agree with me, then you need call up those writers and producers and let them know to stop portraying you guys as desperadoes that will lay with anything that will cost you your(or someone else’s) life later on down the road!

So Beowulf has a little fling, becomes king, inherits his riches, and a mistress. Beowulf, you Player! You’re gonna regret this when your dragon son emerges, and tries to take out everyone in the kingdom, and then what are you gonna do? Beowulf answers that question when years later he once again steps out there to show Mr. Demon what he’s made of Yes, Beowulf does his damage, but pays with his life in the end.

All this for a one night stand with a monster trying to look like an attractive woman. What a poser! Well, Beowulf is laid to rest on a ship as it sails out to sea. Too bad, so sad (sniff, sniff), I mean, I really liked him. And I was gonna have him nominated for the next Mr. Universe contest.

Beowulf (Director’s Cut) [HD DVD]

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5. February 2008 by Ria.

This is my kind of movie, a bunch of cute guys beating the crap out of each other. The movie starts out like the typical tale story, you know, the ones where they push the little kid out in the wilderness to fight the big bad wolf, then he comes back to town a man, and is crowned king. Fast forward several years when Leonidas (Gerard Butler), invites Persian messengers into Sparta, where they demand the whole city to submit to King Xerxes.

Then, out of nowhere comes this great pit, and Leonidas throw the messengers in it. What is wrong with these people, how can anyone be so blind? I’m always aware of my surroundings, and from a mile away, I can spot muggers, rapists, and even deep dark pits that I can be immediately thrown into. In fact, I wouldn’t have even been there, I would have trained one of those birds, you know, the ones that deliver messages, then I’d go hang out with my friends.

Nevertheless, the messengers die, and it’s on now. Leonidas gets desperate and goes to see Ephors, who have already been bribed. Too bad for you Leonidas, I guess you’ll have to stick to praying. So after an unnecessary sex scene, Leonidas sets off with 300 of his best warriors to go up against the Persians. So the 300 defeat the Immortals, the Mongolian Barbarians, and the war elephants, without a scratch. Okay, now I’m getting bored.

War isn’t usually this pretty, where is the bloodshed on the 300 side? My questions are finally answered when Astinos gets struck down, and his father who is part of the 300 is deeply devastated. His loss is my gain, as now I’m lured back into the movie with this sudden death in Leonidas’s posse.

While the 300 are off to kick some more butt, lets go back home to Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) who is desperately trying to gather up support for Leonidas. She asks the help of Theron, who wants to have a little ‘fun’ first (if you know what I mean). You know, Lena looks a lot like Elizabeth (Keira Knightley from Pirates of the Caribbean fame).

But there’s a big difference, Gorgo is tough, and will mess someone up, while Elizabeth will just hide behind a bunch of pirates, swinging her sword, pretending that she can fight. Gorgo doesn’t play around with Theron, who betrayed her after he got his way, and she killed him. After Gorgo slays him, Persian coins fall from his purse, and now everyone knows Theron’s a trader.

What a dummy! Never carry bribery money around with you, he should have immediately deposited it in the First National B.C./A.D Greek Bank as soon as he got it. What? There were no banks around back then? Well, put it under a rock or something, what’s he carrying it around for?

The Council decides to help the 300, but its too late, they all die in the final battle. How sad, sometimes the hero must die, but it’s not over, well the movie is, but the battle rages on as over 40,000 soldiers gather together a year later to avenge the 300.

300 (Two-Disc Special Edition)

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