HELLSING-EPISODE 3-SWORD DANCER-2 1/2 STARS

16. April 2008 by Ria.

See, I would have given this episode three stars, if only they would have kept blond vampire dude out of it. In fact, that’s how the episode starts off, vampire dude grieving over dead girlfriend/boyfriend. Now I’m not sure if vampire dude killed him/her, in fact, we never really find out what happened between those two. All we know is that there is a dead guy/girl named Mic, and vampire lover is grieving over him/her.

Next scene, vampire dude ends up dead, not sure what happened, but there he is on a cold slab, having an autopsy done on him. This is what happens when writers leave a lot of holes in the storyline, and you’re left to guess what transpired. Well, anyway, during the autopsy, doctors find a chip. Remember in Red Rose Vertigo, when we found out that humans were using machines to manufacture vampires? Well, I think that’s what we’re looking at here.

Anyway, vampire dude is dead, so now we can leave that guy, and focus on Victoria, who is still having a hard time adjusting to her newbie vampire status. So she strolls into her room all exhausted, and once again, we see table, candlelight, and some chilled blood in a wine bucket. How romantic, sitting alone, drinking someone else’s bodily fluids, I’m so envious. You know what would be nice, if Alucard would actually join her, then they could sip together. Oh, I forgot, Alucard is too cool for that, so I guess Victoria is own her own.

Now she opens the blood, pours it into a bowl, and after swirling it around with her spoon, she decides to flush it down the toilet. From out of nowhere, Alucard’s voice is heard, telling her to drink or she’ll get weaker. “Alucard, where in the hell did you come from, do you have no shame? How do you know she flushed the blood down the toilet if you weren’t spying on her? The bathroom is a private place, and there’s no reason for you to poking your vampire eyes in there, you super pervert!”

Victoria tells Alucard’s voice that she feels like she being turned into something inhuman. “Well you are stupid, its called a vampire, a preternatural being, so get over it already.” Next scene, vampire dude has risen from the dead, and has opened up a can of whoop-ass on police officers. Now, this is what I don’t like, why do they keep sending ordinary mortals officers in to take care of vampires that are more powerful than they? Now the police squad are dead, and the Hellsing soldiers get called in, including Victoria.

The Hellsing guys get killed pretty quickly, and once again, I don’t understand why the mortals go in first. See, if I was a Hellsing soldier, I would have pushed Victoria out there first, and told her not to come back until vampire dude was destroyed. Then I’d go hide around the corner, waiting to see what would happen next. Well, why not? Victoria is supposed to be all that and a bag of chips, why should I risk my life when she’s the one that can’t die?

Now after all Hellsing soldiers called to the scene were turned into ghouls, Victoria’s Captain tells her to take the shot. Victoria kills all ghouls, but vampire dude is still standing.  Before you know it, Anderson kills Captain Garrett, and shoves a blessed knife through Victoria’s neck. Ouch! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about that guy. He and Alucard duked it out in episode 7, and now he’s back bigger and badder than ever. Hey, I’m not scared, ’cause I know Alucard can easily own him again.

Anderson is a priest from the Iscariot Organization. It seems that they have been killing vampire ghouls a lot longer than the Hellsing Organization, and naturally, they can’t stand each other. Now vampire dude is still running around, until Alucard arrives on the scene, and destroys him, so now the real battle can begin. Alucard says to Anderson, “You shouldn’t have come here, Catholic.” Oh, I get it, this is a religious battle, so I’ll just stay out of this one, sit on the sidelines with my popcorn, and enjoy the view from there.

Okay, now Anderson charges with his blessed knives, and Alucard uses these dance like moves to dodge them, but still takes one in the chest. No problem, ’cause Alucard takes his specialized gun, and blows him into oblivion. “Good, now that he’s been taken care of, lets go to the nearest blood bank to celebrate.” Well, Maybe I spoke too soon, ’cause here comes Anderson once again, revived by a human re-generator (never heard of it before, but would like to have one), and stabs Alucard with millions of knives.

Now Alucard is a bit weak, but still hanging in there, so round two is about to start, when Integra comes in and puts a stop to the whole thing. Integra tells Anderson that he exceeded his authority, and will suffer the consequences of his actions. She also shows him the letter from the Archbishop, telling him to return to the Vatican immediately, to which Anderson complies.

When Anderson leaves, Integra chastises Alucard first, saying there’s no room in the Hellsing family for vampires that get pummelled by a human re-generator. Then she starts in on Victoria saying she doesn’t need a half-starved vampire who can’t protect her own commander. “Okay Integra, while I agree that Victoria is a mess, and should be kicked to the curb, but I’ve got Alucard’s back on this one. First of all, he was handling Anderson just fine until you stuck your big nose in, and ruined the whole thing.”

“Alucard, I would leave the Hellsing Organization, ’cause Integra is acting like a witch right about now. What you need to do is go to the nearest Kinko’s and have them make you some business cards, and have people hire you for your services. You can become some rich person’s bodyguard, the sky’s the limit you know.”

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