THE DEATHS OF IAN STONE-2007-2 STARS

15. April 2008 by Ria.

This movie is a Matrix/X-Files rip-off about these weird alien goons called the Harvesters that feed off other people’s fears and distress. They also have the ability to manipulate reality, so they bother this guy Ian Stone (Mike Vogel) so that he keeps dying over and over again, and its up to him to find out how to put a stop to it. This is the kind of movie where you need to know the plot up front, because the worst thing in the world is not knowing where a movie is headed after 20 minutes.

In his first life Ian is some hockey jock, hanging out with his girlfriend, Jenny (Christina Cole). He senses something is not right, but he can’t put his finger on it. Oh well, too bad, he’s moving on to the next life, where he plays a yuppie with a dead-end corporate job. How do I know its dead end you ask, well, aren’t they all? So now, he goes home to another girlfriend, Medea (Jaime Murray), and Jenny and by this time, you just start thinking that he’s nothing but a player.

The next day, while coming home from work, Ian runs into weird guy Gray (Michael Feast) who alerts him of the troubles facing him. Don’t you hate those movies where there’s always one dork trying to warn the hero that their life is in danger? Geez Louise, let the guy find out for himself, after all, he is the star of this movie, and I’m sure he’ll figure out how to survive without anyone’s help.

Now after getting all this info from Gray, Ian runs home just in time to be killed by Harvester girlfriend, Medea. Well, I must say that day ended strangely, didn’t it? Next scene, Ian is now a sexy cab driver all decked out in black leather. This is definitely better, ’cause that yuppie life was crimpin’ his style. So he’s driving around, and guess who the passenger is? Yep, that’s right, its Jenny. Man, why can’t he get rid of that chick?

In his third life, Ian is unemployed, in the fourth, he’s a junkie, and Jenny is right there with him. Harvesters are still after them, so now they’re both on the run. This is when things get kind of stupid because Ian already knows that he can run but can’t hide from the Harvesters). Once again Gray shows up, and stars spilling the beans on everything. Ian was once a Harvester, the most powerful of them all, but he fell in love with Jenny, and killed one of his own (I don’t know which came first), and I guess that pissed off his former cronies, and now they want revenge.

The Harvesters can’t kill him, but they can drag him from life to life, making him miserable, until he changes his mind, and comes back to them. In his last harvest-controlled life, he’s restrained in some sort of device, and Medea tortures him like no tomorrow. Oh, I get it now, this is some kind of alien love triangle. Medea and Ian must have been a couple at some point, then Jenny came in and ruined it all.

But this doesn’t make sense, after all, Medea had many opportunities to kill Jenny, and if she truly wanted to keep Ian for herself, she could have stayed in the yuppie life with him forever. Well, wait, maybe not, because Medea liked feeding on humans, so she would eventually have to reveal herself. Wait, not really, all she’d have to do is play girlfriend during the day, and go out and terrorize humans at night, and on weekends. See how that would have worked out? Now it starts gettin’ good, Gray shows up one more time (in a wheelchair?) and adds the final pieces of the Harvester puzzle.

He must kill his former friends in order to stay with Jenny, and lead a normal human life (whatever that may be). Gray gives Ian all the energy he needs to kill those alien punks, and he goes back to the hockey jock life, and Jenny is right there with him. AWWWWWWW, how cute.

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