HELLSING-EPISODE 1-THE UNDEAD-3 1/2 STARS

The episode opens up with some guy inviting a vampire hooker back to his place. Now I know you’re a little annoyed that I’m judging her based on the way she’s dressed, and maybe I shouldn’t be doing that. Anyway, back to what I was saying, this guy invites the VAMPIRE HOOKER back to his place, and while he’s talking sweet nothings to her, centipedes are falling from the ceiling. “Man, you better get out of there! Forget about that ghoul, get away from those centipedes as fast as you can, those things are gross!

Of course he’s not paying those creepy crawlers any attention, he’s into this chick, but then Alucard shows up sitting on the sofa, looking all hardcore, and blows the lady brains out. Hell yeah! Alucard is awesome! Next, we find out that Victoria and some Hellsing soldiers are out on assignment to take out another vampire disguised as a priest, that’s turning people into ghouls. First, the police were dispatched, but they were all killed, and now this guy is doing away with the Hellsing soldiers, except Victoria who hasn’t met up with the guy yet.

First, she runs into Alucard who’s walking around, all pimped out in his red coat and hat, looking for this vampire priest, to put him out of his misery. Alucard taunts her, and she puts a bullet right through him, which of course you know has no effect on him. Then, she runs right into the church where the vampire priest is, but she isn’t sure if he’s the one she was sent to destroy, but she keeps her gun on him anyway. It may be too late for her though, because he hypnotizes her, and there’s no telling what he’s gonna do to her next.

All the sudden, Alucard breaks down the door, and starts treatin’ his ass, so everyone, get your paper and pens out. Now, I’m gonna run down to you some of the stuff Alucard says to this guy, so you can write it out, and say it the next time you run into someone that you hate. Ready? First Alucard calls him a goddamn punk, then he calls him “less than garbage, more like scum.” Oh yeah, then he tells him that he “looks like a vampire freak, and he’s not worthy of the lowest pits of hell.” Are you guys getting all this?

Now the priest is pissed off at this point, and summons the hellsing soldiers that he turned into ghouls to shoot Alucard down like a dog. They blast away, messin’ him up badly, and destroying his glasses. Oh no, not the glasses! “QUICKLY, SOMEBODY GO RUN TO THE NEAREST DOLLAR STORE AND GET ALUCARD ANOTHER PAIR!” So there is what’s left of Alucard, his suit, and blood all over, but what’s this, he pulls himself back together again, and he’s just fine! Now Alucard blows all the ghouls away with his specialized gun, while he starts in again with the verbal insults, so I hope you didn’t put those pens away yet.

Next, he calls the vampire a cockroach, then “undead maggot trash”, Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about! Now the vampire priest tries to verbally strike back, calling Alucard, “A plaything of the humans.” Is that all you can muster up vampire maggot? Uh, oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, ’cause now he uses poor Victoria as a shield. When he finds out that Alucard can’t be killed, he offers a partnership between the two of them. So he’s going on and on about how they should work together, but Alucard is not listening. He tells Victoria that he’s gonna take this guy out and if he does, the bullet will rip through her lungs.

If she doesn’t join him, she dies, but if she does join him, she’ll live forever as a vampire, not a ghoul, after all, Alucard is the super vampire, no one turns into a ghoul after he bites them. So Victoria decides to join him, and POW! the bullet rips right through her and kills maggot vampire. Man, I like the way I say that, let me try it again. Maggot vampire. Maggot vampire, MAGGOT VAMPIRE!

Now Victoria is bleeding to death, and Alucard reminds her that she made the choice, and he bites her. “Hey wait, Alucard, I’m wounded too! Look, I have a hangnail, and it’s making life unbearable for me, so I guess you’re gonna have to bite me too!” Oh well, I tried. Anyway, by this time Integra arrives, and here comes Alucard, carrying Victoria. He tells her that he has silenced the target, and she has the nerve to say it took him too long to do it. “Oh really Sir Integra? Well then I think you need to get your stuck up butt out there and try to kill some vampires since you’re so displeased with his work.”

Alucard tells Integra to transfer Victoria to the Hellsing Organization. “Yeah Alucard, you got exactly what you wanted, a big boobed chick following you around, calling you master. I knew under all that coolness you were nothing but a pervert.”

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This entry was posted on 6. April 2008 at 09:29 and is filed under Hellsing Anime. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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