6. April 2008 by Ria.

The episode opens up with some guy inviting a vampire hooker back to his place. Now I know you’re a little annoyed that I’m judging her based on the way she’s dressed, and maybe I shouldn’t be doing that. Anyway, back to what I was saying, this guy invites the VAMPIRE HOOKER back to his place, and while he’s talking sweet nothings to her, centipedes are falling from the ceiling. “Man, you better get out of there! Forget about that ghoul, get away from those centipedes as fast as you can, those things are gross!

Of course he’s not paying those creepy crawlers any attention, he’s into this chick, but then Alucard shows up sitting on the sofa, looking all hardcore, and blows the lady brains out. Hell yeah! Alucard is awesome! Next, we find out that Victoria and some Hellsing soldiers are out on assignment to take out another vampire disguised as a priest, that’s turning people into ghouls. First, the police were dispatched, but they were all killed, and now this guy is doing away with the Hellsing soldiers, except Victoria who hasn’t met up with the guy yet.

First, she runs into Alucard who’s walking around, all pimped out in his red coat and hat, looking for this vampire priest, to put him out of his misery. Alucard taunts her, and she puts a bullet right through him, which of course you know has no effect on him. Then, she runs right into the church where the vampire priest is, but she isn’t sure if he’s the one she was sent to destroy, but she keeps her gun on him anyway. It may be too late for her though, because he hypnotizes her, and there’s no telling what he’s gonna do to her next.

All the sudden, Alucard breaks down the door, and starts treatin’ his ass, so everyone, get your paper and pens out. Now, I’m gonna run down to you some of the stuff Alucard says to this guy, so you can write it out, and say it the next time you run into someone that you hate. Ready? First Alucard calls him a goddamn punk, then he calls him “less than garbage, more like scum.” Oh yeah, then he tells him that he “looks like a vampire freak, and he’s not worthy of the lowest pits of hell.” Are you guys getting all this?

Now the priest is pissed off at this point, and summons the hellsing soldiers that he turned into ghouls to shoot Alucard down like a dog. They blast away, messin’ him up badly, and destroying his glasses. Oh no, not the glasses! “QUICKLY, SOMEBODY GO RUN TO THE NEAREST DOLLAR STORE AND GET ALUCARD ANOTHER PAIR!” So there is what’s left of Alucard, his suit, and blood all over, but what’s this, he pulls himself back together again, and he’s just fine! Now Alucard blows all the ghouls away with his specialized gun, while he starts in again with the verbal insults, so I hope you didn’t put those pens away yet.

Next, he calls the vampire a cockroach, then “undead maggot trash”, Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about! Now the vampire priest tries to verbally strike back, calling Alucard, “A plaything of the humans.” Is that all you can muster up vampire maggot? Uh, oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, ’cause now he uses poor Victoria as a shield. When he finds out that Alucard can’t be killed, he offers a partnership between the two of them. So he’s going on and on about how they should work together, but Alucard is not listening. He tells Victoria that he’s gonna take this guy out and if he does, the bullet will rip through her lungs.

If she doesn’t join him, she dies, but if she does join him, she’ll live forever as a vampire, not a ghoul, after all, Alucard is the super vampire, no one turns into a ghoul after he bites them. So Victoria decides to join him, and POW! the bullet rips right through her and kills maggot vampire. Man, I like the way I say that, let me try it again. Maggot vampire. Maggot vampire, MAGGOT VAMPIRE!

Now Victoria is bleeding to death, and Alucard reminds her that she made the choice, and he bites her. “Hey wait, Alucard, I’m wounded too! Look, I have a hangnail, and it’s making life unbearable for me, so I guess you’re gonna have to bite me too!” Oh well, I tried. Anyway, by this time Integra arrives, and here comes Alucard, carrying Victoria. He tells her that he has silenced the target, and she has the nerve to say it took him too long to do it. “Oh really Sir Integra? Well then I think you need to get your stuck up butt out there and try to kill some vampires since you’re so displeased with his work.”

Alucard tells Integra to transfer Victoria to the Hellsing Organization. “Yeah Alucard, you got exactly what you wanted, a big boobed chick following you around, calling you master. I knew under all that coolness you were nothing but a pervert.”

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6. April 2008 by Ria.

Okay, this episode is about a girl, named Sui, who can’t see because of mushi. What is mushi again you ask? You must not have liked my last definition, so let me try to explain it to you in another way. Mushi is supernatural crap that can come into your home, or body, and mess you up. Now that I’ve given you another detailed definition of what mushi is, let’s move on to our story.

Biki tells the story of his cousin Sui, who’s eyes became extremely sensitive to light 6 months ago. None of the doctors could find anything wrong with her, and sent her home. As the condition got worst, her parents couldn’t deal with her anymore, so they dumped her off on Biki, who has a shed that can block out all light. By this time Sui’s condition is so bad, she needs total darkness at all times, and must wear a blindfold.

One day, Biki and Sui are hanging out, (yes Biki plays with Sui in the dark for hours on end), when Sui reveals that mushi is the cause of her condition, and that she can feel them swimming around in her eyes. “Okay Sui, that’s gross!” She also talks about a second eyelid behind her outer eyelid, and between the two is a river of light where the mushi live. Sui says she closes her second eye in order to have complete darkness fall upon her “Okay, Biki, your cousin sounds like a total weirdo, so please keep her as far away from me as possible.”

Sui also reveals that she can see a man with one eye, who keeps telling her to stay away from that river, and he’s on his way to see her. Hmmmm. So this mushi can cause people to have telepathic powers too? “HEY, somebody bring that mushi mess on over to my house, I want to be special too! Wait, let me think about this for a minute, I don’t think I want that kind of power if I’m gonna be blind as a bat, so just strike what I said earlier.”

Anyway, Biki’s mom is worried that it he keeps hanging around Sei, he may get the same disease, but its too late, Biki is already infected, as his eyes become extremely sensitive to the candle nearby as he tries to read a book. “Well, not to worry, because Ginko is on the case. Ginko arrives just in time to offer Biki some medicine that makes him well again.

Night falls, then Ginko decides to go see Sei to cure her next, but it may be too late. The blindfold falls off her, and a black smoke comes through her eyes, they’re completely gone. Ginko told her stay away from that river of light! Yes, we find out that it was indeed Ginko that was telepathically talking to Sei earlier. You see, Ginko can also see that river of light when he closes his second eye. Is it too late to save Sei’s eyesight? Maybe, and maybe not.

Ginko is ready to get down to business, he puts on a glove, and uses the moonlight to chase out the mushi. He tells Sei to open her eyes, but to keep her second eyelid closed, and all the sudden, a river a mushi comes out, almost drowning Ginko. He then tells her to shut her eyes, but it’s still too late, her eyes are gone, The End.

Well……….not quite. As a last resort, Ginko takes out his eye, “WAIT A MINUTE, you mean to tell me Ginko has a fake eye? Anything else you want to tell me Ginko, like you’re close friends with Michael Jackson, or something like that?” Anyway, Ginko takes out his glass eye, and injects it with the mushi from Sei’s eye, and places it her socket. And now she can see again. Out of one eye of course, but its better not being able to see at all, and on top of that, she doesn’t have to live in a shed anymore, ALL RIGHT!

Awwwwwww, what a sacrifice Ginko made, to give up his glass eye so that someone else can see. ”Okay Ginko, good job, now go get another eye, so that I won’t be grossed out by watching you walk around with a hole in your socket in the next episode.”

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