BEOWULF-2007-3 1/2 STARS

Hollywood is enamoured with the Anno Domini period, and the reason may be because wild tales of ogres, kings, queens, and dragons bring a lot to the imagination. You will find all these characters in this movie, and I can’t wait until we get to the part about the dragon, but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, so let me slow down and start from the beginning…….Somewhere in Denmark, we find King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) having one hell of a party, when it’s interrupted by some freak-a-zoid named Grendel.

First I want to say, it’s nice to see Anthony Hopkins back in another good role, ’cause I wasn’t so crazy about that film, what was it called, the one where he killed the wife, Fracture? See, that would have been a much better movie if Hopkins would have just kept his mouth shut, and stop gloating about how he blew his wife’s head off, and got away with it. Anyway, enough about that, back to Beowulf, well, this goon Grendel opened up a major can of whoop-ass on Hrothgar’s posse, and it was all over for them.

Grendel was about to mess up Hrothgar, but decided to let him live. Later on, we find out that Hrothgar is Grendel’s father-Wow, doesn’t this sound like some tragic mess you’d find on a daytime soap opera? Well Grendel, its no wonder the Queen won’t sleep with you anymore. It’s not that she’s bitter, its just that there’s no telling what kind of diseases that Demon Mom might have. The Queen could sleep with you, and in the morning, her face, arms, and legs might fall off, so you can forget about having sex with her ever again. Better to be safe than sorry.

Now, everyone is either too weak, or scared to take on Grendel, but in comes our hero, Beowulf, to stand up to the challenge. Okay, let me take a close look at him, just to make sure he’s the right guy for the job. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Great in the looks department, Yes, he ’s perfect for the job. What’s that? What about his fighting skills? Well, don’t ask me, how in the hell should I know?

Well, everyone’s happy to finally get a brave soul to go up against monster Grendel, until Unferth (John Malkovich) opens his big ass mouth and recalls a time when Beowulf was in a swimming race with some other dude, and lost. Oh well, I guess its time for everyone to pack their bags and get the hell out of Dodge City, ’cause its obvious Beowulf’s not going to get it done, especially if he can’t win a swimming contest. What do you mean I picked him? Yeah, to win Mr. Universe, but not to fight weird monsters!

Beowulf didn’t waver in courage, or confidence, and he and his men stayed the night in the mead hall to wait for Grendel. Oh, did I tell you Beowulf was naked? I give him a 10! a 10! Well, I didn’t get a chance to see him fully in the nude, because some stupid idiot had his elbow in the way, so I couldn’t get a good look. Damn! All right! Whoever that guy was who blocked my view is a Beowulf hater, and I want his name right now so that I can body slam him a few times!

Anyway, Grendel comes back to kick more butt, and got a few licks in, however, Beowulf owned him in the end, then he dragged himself back to his mom and died. Good. That’s one less ugly thing we have to look at in the world. Hey Beowulf, do you think you can get rid of spiders and centipedes for all time, ’cause I don’t think my one can of raid is gonna do the trick. Well now Grendel’s mom is all pissed off, and destroys the rest of Beowulf’s crew, except Wiglaf (Brendan Gleeson), who was probably out a bar somewhere trying to pick up some chick, and that’s why he’s still living.

Now Beowulf has to take care of Mom Demon, so he sets out to find her, and encounters an attractive woman (Angelina Jolie), and she seduces him. Keep in mind that he knows she’s some kind of a demon that has already killed his men, and he sleeps with her anyway, and trust me, he didn’t do it for gold, or diamonds, or to rule a kingdom. C’mon guys, you’re not really so desperate that you’re gonna sleep with a caricature when you know damn well that underneath, she looks like Jabba The Hut, right?

Please tell me you wouldn’t sleep with something inhuman-the thing that killed the men that fought by your side, right? If you agree with me, then you need call up those writers and producers and let them know to stop portraying you guys as desperadoes that will lay with anything that will cost you your(or someone else’s) life later on down the road!

So Beowulf has a little fling, becomes king, inherits his riches, and a mistress. Beowulf, you Player! You’re gonna regret this when your dragon son emerges, and tries to take out everyone in the kingdom, and then what are you gonna do? Beowulf answers that question when years later he once again steps out there to show Mr. Demon what he’s made of Yes, Beowulf does his damage, but pays with his life in the end.

All this for a one night stand with a monster trying to look like an attractive woman. What a poser! Well, Beowulf is laid to rest on a ship as it sails out to sea. Too bad, so sad (sniff, sniff), I mean, I really liked him. And I was gonna have him nominated for the next Mr. Universe contest.

This entry was posted on 19. March 2008 at 03:05 and is filed under Action. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

| Print