10. March 2008 by Ria.

Je voudrais que vous parliez a’ Stella. Je voudrais que vous lui disiez de ne pas me suivre. So do you like my french? What I just said was, “I want you to talk to Stella. I want you to tell her not to follow me.” This came from a scene in the movie, just when Robert Stroud was about to leave Leavenworth Prison, on his way to Alcatraz. I wonder why they call the movie, Birdman of Alcatraz, because Stroud didn’t move to Alcatraz until late in the movie, like when it was almost over. Oh well, let me lay some more French on you-Tenez, vous feriez bien de vous habiller. This is what people say when they have crazy one night stands, and wake up with that stranger in the bed next to them. It means, “Here, you better get dressed.”

Now why am I telling you all this? Well, my DVD rental came with French Subtitles. I was kind of surprised, I didn’t ask for it, but it was a nice treat. I picked up a few phrases, but does anyone know how to say, “Hey, Burt Lancaster, can I have your phone number?” in French? Whatever, lets get into this movie review………..Movie begins with Burt Lancaster as bad-ass Robert Stroud, who is imprisioned for killing a guy in Alaska who beat up a lady. I’m telling you, Stroud is hard core all the way-First, he starts a fight in jail and winds up in the hole. Then, he gets out, and kills a guard for not letting him see his mother. So he winds up in the hole again, but this time, he’s going to be charged with murder, and sentenced to die, until mom steps in and pushes the President to commute her son’s sentence to life in prison.

Mama Stroud may have saved Bob’s neck, but he will have to spend the rest of his life in solitary confinement. So days and months pass, and one day, while Stroud is out in the rain, he spots a wounded baby sparrow. Stroud takes it in, and nurses it back to health by feeding it roaches, and other bugs that crawl on his cell wall. Yuk. You mean to tell me they can’t keep those jails clean so that crap won’t be crawling all over the man’s cell? At least give him a can of Raid or something-Well, he really won’t be needing it now, he’s got a bird to take care of.

As the years pass, Stroud acquires more birds, and decides to get involved with the cytology, and biochemistry of birds, and eventually publishes a book, Scientific Study On Diseases of Birds, which took him 7 years to write. Raising birds, and acquiring all this knowledge somehow changes Stroud from being mean and quick tempered, to someone more solemn, and easy going. Just between you and me, I also think he gets cuter as he ages.

Wait, quit laughing, I see I’m going to have to run the facts of life down to some of you. All of you good looking teens and twenty-somethings, yes, I know you think that you have the world in the palm of your hand, and that you can get anyone that you want, but I’m here to tell you, enjoy it now, because your looks won’t last! No, I’m not a hater, just have your fun for the next ten years, then forget it. Now a young guy or girl can be ugly as hell, then blossom in his/her late thirties to early forties, and keep it going until the age 60, so there!

Okay, back to my review. Yes, they throw a couple of white hairs on Stroud, put lines under his eyes, slows down his movements, but he still looks good. As for Mama Stroud, damn makeup people, did you really need to add all those wrinkles to her face? I thought one of them was going to fall off at any minute, there were so many-Hollywood’s answer to aging an actress is to start packing all those wrinkles on her face. How sad.

Whatever, okay now 15 years later, Stroud gets transferred to Alcatraz, and decides to write another book, this one to be called The History of Federal Prisons and What Prison Does to Men. Stroud states that it’s a blast to the Penal System. Now, in the movie, the warden confiscates the book, so it’s never published. The real Stroud has passed on, but he would be rolling around in his grave if he knew the American Prison system is worst now that it was back then. I read in the paper a few weeks ago that 1 out of 100 Americans are incarcerated. No, not in other countries silly, right here in the States! That’s an awful lot of people, man.  You don’t think so? If you knew there was 1 out of 100 chances of being struck by lightning, instead of 1 out of a million, would you ever leave the house when it started to rain? In fact, would you bother to leave the house at all?

Now for the 99 of you who think you’re safe, after all, you smoke, but don’t inhale, right? Remember, 1 in 100 incarcerated is a lot of people, so you can get arrested for doing any ol’ thing, SO YOU JAYWALKERS BETTER WATCH OUT! Does anyone know how to say that in French?

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10. March 2008 by Ria.

You know, I was really excited watching this film, from the beginning I kept asking the question, “Now which one of these hoodlums is gonna kill Jesse?” Oh wait, you do know that Brad Pitt is starring as Big, Bad, Jesse, right? Yeah, and lets not forget Casey Affleck, the punk kid who idolizes him. You know, the one thing that I’ve noticed about this movie is that, its not so much that Jesse is intimidating, its just that everyone else was scared to be around him. Even I was holding my breath, because I didn’t know what Jesse was going to pull next. Well wait, there were a few episodes where Jesse was out of control, so let me touch upon those scenes.

Lets talk about the train robbery in Bluecut, and you know, I’m still trying to find out how that happened. How do you rob a moving train? Well, the train did stop, but it didn’t look like it was at any station-it look like it just stopped out in the middle of the woods. Yes, I know this was in the late 1800’s, but c’mon, how does the trainman sound saying this-”Okay everyone, that last stop was River Road, next stop is the middle of the woods, anyone getting off better have a pistol ready to fight off bears, lions, and members of Jesse James’s Gang.”

Then I thought the train may have stopped because one of the gang members was standing on the track. Look, all I know is that if that was an Amtrak train, there would be one less robber around, because Amtrak is not going to slow down just because you’re standing there, trying to act all hard core.

Wait, I’m supposed to be talking about Jesse, right? Well, the gang rob this train, Jesse wallops the guy guarding the safe in the head, and tells him to open it, which he does. Then Jesse tells the guy to get down on his knees, in which he replies, “You’ll have to make me.” Stupid thing to say, because Jesse was ready to take this guy out, until one of the other members intervened. Oh wait, there is another scene I have to tell you about where Jesse is about to do some damage. After the train robbery, the gang is dismantled, Jesse’s brother Frank leaves to go sell shoes, other members are dead or in jail, and some members are just scattered, but Jesse finds one of them, a man by the name of Ed.

So they get to talking, Jesse all relaxed, and easy, while poor Ed looks like he just seen a ghost. He’s sitting there, shaking in his shoes, revealing that another gang member Jim Cummins, said that Jesse was planning to kill him. Jesse assures Ed that he has nothing to worry about, that he just happened to be stopping by, and invited him into town, so that he could buy dinner. So they take off, with Jesse riding in the back, then Bam! oops, I meant POW! No more Ed. You know Jesse, I like you, but that’s some cold hearted crap you’re pulling, shooting a man in the back like that. See, if you would have asked me to go to town with you to get dinner, I would have just said, “Nah, that’s okay, I just called Gino’s Pizzeria down the street, and they’re sending over a double stuffed pizza with sausage and peppers in it, so feel free to stay for a slice if you want!”

So the pizza shows up, right? Then I’d tell Jesse, “Here’s a twenty, Jesse, why don’t you pay the guy, while I scrounge around for loose change”, then when Jesse goes to pay the pizza guy, POW! No more Jesse. It’s obvious that Bob was taking down notes, because he and his brother took my advice, and sent Jesse to an early grave by using my tactic. Well, they didn’t call for a pizza guy, what happened was after spending some time with Jesse, they just had a feeling he was going to kill them. You have to see the movie, because I’m telling you, I felt the same way. So they took Jesse out while his back was turned, actually, he took off his holster, because he didn’t want to have a shootout in front of his two kids, stood on top of a chair in order to straighten a crooked picture, and the Ford Brothers got him.

Now, Bob and Charlie are hailed as heroes, but the stardom doesn’t last long as people begin to turn on them, and call them cowards. In the end, Charlie kills himself, and Bob is assassinated. Hey wait, why was Bob a coward? I would have snuffed Jesse out too- Well, I would have tried to run first, and if that didn’t work, I’d do my call-a-pizza-guy number on him. Yes, I believe the Ford Brothers did the right thing, but one huge mistake they made was taking an acting job in which they kept reliving the scene where they killed Jesse. I think that was a bit cruel, but oh well……….THAT’S HOLLYWOOD FOLKS!

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

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