[1]

First, I would like to give four stars to my man Alucard’s fine performance in this movie. I would also like to give four stars to Integra Hellsing, and to Victoria who is kind of a twit, but still cool nonetheless. Now you would think with all this coolness going around, the writers could extend this movie an extra hour.
Alucard, I know you’re all that and a bag of chips, but we need to know more about you. Expand the movie plot by either taking on another foe, or having a flashback letting all of us Hellsing fans know where you came from.

Who knows, maybe you go all the way back to the stone age, dragging some woman around by the hair when some pterodactyl mixed with vampire genes came swooshing down, and bit you on the neck, so now you’re a super vampire. Well how in the hell should I know? Truth be told, you need to step in and tell your side of the story.

[2]

So four stars for the characters, but 2 1/2 stars for being too short of a movie. Now I’m told there is a Hellsing TV series showing right now in Japan as I speak, and if that’s the case, its not fair! You mean to tell me that I’m missing out on Alucard kicking some major vampire butt on a weekly basis because the show hasn’t arrived in the States yet? Someone call the President! Call the National Guard! Call somebody, anybody, and get me some answers! Oh my goodness, I haven’t started part 2 of my movie review. Okay, let me calm down first…………………………….Now lets
rock! ……….

Alucard and Luke shoot it out western style, only Alucard is taking most of the hits, while Luke is able to swiftly dodge the bullets, which might be good for him, since I’m sure he wouldn’t want to mess up his recently pressed white suit. At this time, Alucard is drenched with blood, but unfortunately, we have to leave him and see how Victoria is doing with John, and let me talk about John for a minute folks. He is such a poser. He tries to act all hard, but he’s nothing but a stupid jerk with a big mouth. Instead of spitting all of that profanity into a 48 minute show, the writers should have spread it out over 2 hours so John wouldn’t sound so much like a dumbass.

Don’t worry everyone, John will get whats coming to him-he somehow frees himself from Victoria’s choke-hold, and reunites with his ghoul posse in order to continue his killing spree. However, Walter uses his magic whip, and John loses an arm, but still manages to break into the round-table where Sir Integra and her colleagues are being held, and guess what? They’re all packing a piece, and poor John gets blown to bits, but he’s still talking crap! Well, whoever he was working for shut him up good, when they pulled the plug and he disintegrated into thin air. Enough of that guy, now lets go back to our bloody Alucard and see how he’s going to take care of the other Valentine.

Alucard isn’t looking so good, but he’s just getting started-he turns into a couple of dogs and chews John’s legs off, so he might as well say goodbye to that white suit! John is horrified by now, and finally realizes that Alucard is the real thing, but he’s just like his brother, a dumb poser, and nothing else. His life is ended when Alucard, still in his dog form, chews him up, but doesn’t spit him out. I guess he was pretty tasty. Well, that’s that. Oh wait, I forgot about Victoria, who finishes off the rest of those pervert ghouls who are putting their hands where they don’t belong. Well Sir Integra, you have a lot of cleaning up to do, so while you go take care of that stuff, I’m going to go to this cool party I was invited to…..now, now folks, don’t cop an attitude, didn’t I provide you with a detailed review? No? Too bad, now click on this link and experience some Hellsing, and I’ll be back later with more movie reviews. Bye!

[3] Hellsing Ultimate, Vol. 2