2. March 2008 by Ria.

First, I would like to give four stars to my man Alucard’s fine performance in this movie. I would also like to give four stars to Integra Hellsing, and to Victoria who is kind of a twit, but still cool nonetheless. Now you would think with all this coolness going around, the writers could extend this movie an extra hour.
Alucard, I know you’re all that and a bag of chips, but we need to know more about you. Expand the movie plot by either taking on another foe, or having a flashback letting all of us Hellsing fans know where you came from.

Who knows, maybe you go all the way back to the stone age, dragging some woman around by the hair when some pterodactyl mixed with vampire genes came swooshing down, and bit you on the neck, so now you’re a super vampire. Well how in the hell should I know? Truth be told, you need to step in and tell your side of the story.

So four stars for the characters, but 2 1/2 stars for being too short of a movie. Now I’m told there is a Hellsing TV series showing right now in Japan as I speak, and if that’s the case, its not fair! You mean to tell me that I’m missing out on Alucard kicking some major vampire butt on a weekly basis because the show hasn’t arrived in the States yet? Someone call the President! Call the National Guard! Call somebody, anybody, and get me some answers! Oh my goodness, I haven’t started part 2 of my movie review. Okay, let me calm down first…………………………….Now lets
rock! ……….

Alucard and Luke shoot it out western style, only Alucard is taking most of the hits, while Luke is able to swiftly dodge the bullets, which might be good for him, since I’m sure he wouldn’t want to mess up his recently pressed white suit. At this time, Alucard is drenched with blood, but unfortunately, we have to leave him and see how Victoria is doing with John, and let me talk about John for a minute folks. He is such a poser. He tries to act all hard, but he’s nothing but a stupid jerk with a big mouth. Instead of spitting all of that profanity into a 48 minute show, the writers should have spread it out over 2 hours so John wouldn’t sound so much like a dumbass.

Don’t worry everyone, John will get whats coming to him-he somehow frees himself from Victoria’s choke-hold, and reunites with his ghoul posse in order to continue his killing spree. However, Walter uses his magic whip, and John loses an arm, but still manages to break into the round-table where Sir Integra and her colleagues are being held, and guess what? They’re all packing a piece, and poor John gets blown to bits, but he’s still talking crap! Well, whoever he was working for shut him up good, when they pulled the plug and he disintegrated into thin air. Enough of that guy, now lets go back to our bloody Alucard and see how he’s going to take care of the other Valentine.

Alucard isn’t looking so good, but he’s just getting started-he turns into a couple of dogs and chews John’s legs off, so he might as well say goodbye to that white suit! John is horrified by now, and finally realizes that Alucard is the real thing, but he’s just like his brother, a dumb poser, and nothing else. His life is ended when Alucard, still in his dog form, chews him up, but doesn’t spit him out. I guess he was pretty tasty. Well, that’s that. Oh wait, I forgot about Victoria, who finishes off the rest of those pervert ghouls who are putting their hands where they don’t belong. Well Sir Integra, you have a lot of cleaning up to do, so while you go take care of that stuff, I’m going to go to this cool party I was invited to…..now, now folks, don’t cop an attitude, didn’t I provide you with a detailed review? No? Too bad, now click on this link and experience some Hellsing, and I’ll be back later with more movie reviews. Bye!

Hellsing Ultimate, Vol. 2

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2. March 2008 by Ria.

The movie starts off with Rich Dad (Walter Connolly) all pissed off because his daughter Ellie Andrews (Claudette Colbert) married lame guy King Westley (Jameson Thomas). Ellie eventually gets tired of listening to her dad’s mess, and jumps off his yacht. Don’t worry, she didn’t drown, so we can leave her alone for a minute and tune in to Peter Warne (Clark Gable) a highly annoying news reporter who’s drunk as a skunk, talking on the phone with his boss, who in turn fires him, especially after he called collect.

Anyway, Peter gets on a train where he meets Ellie, but he doesn’t like her too much, and tells her to scram. First of all Peter, “scram” is one of my favorite words, which means you’re not allowed to use it, and second, you’re rude and uncouth, which is probably why your boss fired you. Ellie doesn’t want anyone to know who she is, so she withholds her name, however, if you notice all throughout the movie, she keeps pushing her rich girl entitlement act on other people.

For example, the bus stops over in Jacksonville for breakfast. Now the bus driver has already alerted everyone that they need to get her butts back in their seats within 30 minutes. Well, Ellie quickly forgets that she’s undercover as a nobody, and literally commands him to wait for her to return from the Windsor Hotel. Sorry Ellie, you can’t have it both ways. Either you want the wealth, status, and whatever else that comes with with it, or you want to be a regular Joe Schmoe, or Sally Jane and be treated like crap.

I don’t have to tell you that the train left without her, but all’s not lost-Peter is still hanging around, so at least she’s got a little company. However, things get worst. A few stops back, someone stole Ellie’s bag, so now she’s left with about 4 bucks. Peter has a little money, but not much, so this will make for an interesting trip. You see, Ellie is trying to get to New York, so she can be with her King Westley, so we’ll just have to see how this all plays out.

Anyway, both Ellie and Peter get on the next bus, but they sit in separate seats, especially after he pretty much ‘told her off’ calling her a rich snob, and stuff like that. Then he had the nerve to wire his boss collect telling him he’s going to get the Ellie Andrews story. Okay, so they’re back on the bus, and you should see this bus, all decked out with nice lights, and there’s some guy on there selling candy, cigarettes, and magazines. These days, if you don’t have those things before you board a Greyhound, you’re just out of luck.

Now ladies, don’t you hate it when you’re sitting on a train or bus, in your own little world, minding your own business, when some freakzilla invades your space and tries to get your phone number? Well, that’s what Ellie had to go through when she accidentally sat next to a perv by the name of Oscar Shapley.

These days, you can get beat up for having a name like that. Well, this guy talks and talks, thinking he’s going to get a date with her, until Peter steps in, calling Ellie his wife and Oscar “Scram”. See, its better when I use that word, and no one else. So now Ellie gets a little hungry, and decides to buy some candy, when Peter steps in, says no, she’s on a budget from now on, and tells her to shut up when she objects.

What? Ellie, don’t let him get away with that! These days, a man could end up scraping his face off the floor for talking to a woman that way, but Ellie seens to like that take-control-kind-of-guy. You know she ends up falling in love with him, right? Now I’m going to skip to one of my favorite parts, the hitchhiking scene.

Peter starts giving Ellie tips on how to thumb rides. Let me see if I got it all down-First, there’s the short jerky thumb. the smile as you thumb, and the broke and angry thumb. Funny none of those worked when he tried them, so Ellie had to get out there and show him how its done. She just flashed some leg, and that was it. Peter, didn’t you know we ladies are the masters of hitchhiking? We try not to do it anymore lest our head roll out onto a curb after some crazy psychopath chops it off, and throws it out the window of his BMW.

I’m going to fast forward this movie review by telling you they spend a lot of time together, fall in love in the weirdest way, and Ellie ends up leaving her prince at the altar (I guess they got married, but didn’t have a wedding) to run off with Peter, and somehow Rich Dad seems to be fine with that. Now we all know that’s totally bogus. What wealthy dude is going to allow his daughter to marry a broke joke over a king, even if it is a lame one?

Peter, your character is so out of date-women don’t like being told to scram, shut up, and we hate being called a brat. You may have looks, and I’ll give you some brownie points for being able to cook, and iron clothes, but that’s it. You stunk up this whole movie, but I’ll give it two stars because I was able to squeeze a laugh or two out of it.

Click on this link for famous hitchhiking scene!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCqyRmLPI7U

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