27. February 2008 by Ria.

Okay, maybe I should have started with Vol 1, but I didn’t, so be on the lookout for me to post that movie review real soon. Hellsing is a huge English Organization led by the very cool Integra who is dedicated to the extermination of vampire ghouls. This is a huge task, but Hellsing has an ace, my man Alucard. Alucard is the one and only hard core super vampire, and I feel sorry for anyone or anything that tries to take him on. The movie starts off with Alucard having a bad dream. You mean the king of all vampires has dreams?  Well, its a stupid dream, so let’s not waste time on his issues, and move on to the round-table conference lead by Integra in all her coolness.

Now Walter says she needs to sleep in this coffin with soil from her birthplace to keep up her strength, since she refuses to drink blood. Now why in the hell would she want to do that, especially after drinking 7up and Pepsi all her life? Alucard comes in all pissed off, and calls Victoria an idiot. Look Alucard, its your fault she’s a vampire in the first place, so watch your mouth. See, I can say that because you’re in England socked away somewhere, and I’m hiding out in the States.

Now back to the action at the Hellsing compound. The Valentine brothers break into the building, and with help from their clan of vampire soldiers, they take out all Hellsing soldiers on the first, and second floor. The fact that the first level of defense for the Hellsing Organization is so weak puzzles me. You know what the problem is, the only one with awesome weapons is Alucard, Walter (former vampire hunter), and Victoria. After all, if Alucard can walk around with a custom 13 millimeter Jackal gun, and Victoria can have a Anti-Freak Canon Uzi, then everyone else in the Hellsing Organization should be strapped to the hilt. Oh well, no one ever think about these things until it’s too late.

Walter and Victoria try to take care of John Valentine and his army of ghouls, and since Alucard is way to cool to deal with that light mess, he sits and waits for Luke. Walter takes care of several ghouls with his magic whip, well, I don’t know what else to call it, it looks like a a very light, transparent whip that will take your head off, so let’s just call it a magic whip. I need to get me one of those , and keep it stashed underneath my car seat, so the next time I get cut off by a driver filled with road rage…………….

Victoria gets into the act when she breaks out with her Uzi and does some serious damage. We also have the luxury of seeing her put that pompous brat John Valentine in a choke-hold while Walter interrogates him. You know John, you talk a lot of crap, and I have yet to see you back it up. Better yet, lets see your brother Luke try to take on Alucard in part 2.

Hellsing Ultimate, Vol. 2

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12. February 2008 by Ria.

I’m really pissed. James Dean should have taken over this movie, but oh no, the writers had to throw in a bunch of dumb stuff, so I had to give the movie 2 1/2 stars instead of 3! The first scene in the movie takes place in a police station where our hero Jim Stark (James Dean) is brought in for being drunk as a skunk. On the other side of the room, Judy (Natalie Wood) is brought in for being out past curfew.

Poor Judy is having problems with dad. He’s supposedly mean, cruel, and just doesn’t understand her. Whatever, who cares, let’s just get back to Jim who winds up having a nice little talk with the police therapist-Well, I don’t know what you would call him, there was a therapist at the police station, I’ve never heard of such a thing (even though there should be at least 5 counselors for every cop) so lets just call him the police therapist.

Jim sets the plot for the movie by telling the guy that the reason he does bad things, is because mom is too bossy, and dad is a spineless wimp. Okay Jim, is this the best reason you can give me for your rebellious nature, because I’m not buying it. You’re supposed to say something like this, “Look, I’m bad, and the reason I act up all the time is because my father is a stupid drunk who hangs out at the corner liquor store and mom is a crackhead who brings home five different guys every day.”

Now I can believe that story. Actually, we do get a chance to meet mom and dad, but they’re an average couple-a little bickering now and then, but nothing out of the norm. The next day, Jim spots Judy on her way to school, and decides this is a good time to hit on her, but she’s not having none of that. She hangs with a rough crowd at school, and they don’t like Jim too well. Some kid named Plato (Sal Mineo) sees Jim as the big brother type and starts hanging around him.

This is a good thing, because he gets front row seats to the knife fight between Jim and Judy’s main squeeze, Buzz (Corey Allen). Jim wins round one (kind of), but round two comes up later that night in some kind of a drag racing war. The nature of this dangerous game is, you race your car to the end of a cliff, and the first one to jump out is the loser. Well, Jim jumps first, but poor Buzz gets his jacket caught in the door, goes sailing over the cliff, and dies…………………. Bye dumbass!

Now this is where everyone should get over their devastation, and immediately bow down to King Jim who is supposed to take over as the new leader of the gang, but this doesn’t happen. The crowd walks off, leaving Judy standing in total bewilderment land, but Plato is happy that his big brother is still alive and well enough to take the two of them home.

The rest of the movie is ridiculous. Jim and Judy start hanging out, and decide that they like each other. Are you kidding me? Jim, how can you fraternize with the enemy?  Judy’s boyfriend has just died, in a tragic effort to impress her, and she runs off with you? You should have thrown her butt off that cliff too. The course of this movie irritated me to no end, as Jim goes from being the big bad rebel, to becoming a normal, average Joe. Hey, I didn’t ask for that! If I wanted to see an everyday guy, I’d walk out my front door, or call one up on the phone! At this time Jim vacillates between telling the cops the truth, and keeping quiet.

I don’t understand, why would you want to say anything? I mean, in real life you want to take the straight and narrow, but this is the movies, so Jim, keep your big mouth shut! What you need to do now is go out and try to find a couple more guys to beat up on to immediately restore your roughneck status.

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Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen either. Now there are a couple of guys from Buzz’s gang looking for Jim because they think he squealed, but they don’t run into him again. Instead they find Plato, who pulls out a gun, and now the movie gets renamed from Rebel without a Cause to Plato with a Gun in his Hand and Rocks in his Head.

Click on this to see knife fight now!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uaIq234nL04

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6. February 2008 by Ria.

Barbara Stanwyck is Leona Stevenson, this rich, spoiled, stuck up brat that you just want to slap around a few times, but you’d better not, she might have another heart attack. She’s already bedridden, and we don’t need any more surprises, but too late, we’re in for a couple of them in this 1948 thriller. Leona is left bedridden, in this huge house, and she’s wondering where her gorgeous hunk of a husband, Henry (Burt Lancaster) is, he was due home awhile ago, but hasn’t shown up yet.?

Leona starts calling around, and overhears two guys planning to murder a woman at 11:15 that night, but the call is cut off before she can get a name. So she bugs the operators to trace that call, but they’re too busy for the kind of stuff, and nothing is ever done about it. She starts sifting through a list of names, trying to find out where her husband is, and stumbles across a Sally Hunt (Ann Richards) phone number, and calls her.This movie deals with a lot of flashbacks, so try to stay with me, and not get lost, or else I’ll think you’re slow, and laugh at you. Ready?

Leona has the first flashback, as she remembers when she first met Henry at some kind of dance. You got to love the way Henry prominently gives her the hand a few times, who was this lady trying to hit on a man already dating someone else?

A wealthy one, and that makes all the difference in the world. Henry was dating Sally at the time, but since rich people can buy anything they want, including people, Leona knew she would steal Henry away, and that’s exactly what she did. You also have to give kudos to Handsome Henry who bagged himself a cash cow, and is now on his way from Baltic Avenue to Boardwalk. Way to go Henry, now you can stop working at that corner drug store where you were only making 50 cents an hour!

Now its time for Sally to provide us with the next flashback, and I’m going to tell you right now that it’s a complete waste of time, as we don’t really find out much, only that Henry might be in a lot of trouble. Look Sally, unless you’re having a hot fling with Henry right now, which would provide a lot of entertainment, you don’t belong in this movie, SO SCRAM!

Leona then calls her doctor (Wendell Corey), which leads to flashbacks three and four. I’ll sum these up by saying that Leona is faking heart attacks in order to get her way, Henry finds out from the doctor and is immediately pissed. Not only that, her father gives him an office, and a title, but he doesn’t really do anything.

www.postpalace.com

Hey, wait! I want that job! Where do I sign up? What you say Henry? You’re not getting a salary, just some measley pocket change? You have to live with father-in-law who is always sticking his nose in your business? You mean you don’t even have your own car? HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I shouldn’t laugh because Henry is about to get his revenge, which leads us to the fifth, and final flashback, and this is where we find out how much trouble he’s in.

Leona get’s a couple of phone calls from a man by the name of Waldo Evans (Harold Vermilyea), who ends up telling Leona everything. He and Henry formed some kind of a black market business by stealing from her father’s company. Henry started selling the goods to a hoodlum named Morano (William Conrad), but then got greedy, and started ripping Morano off, too.

Bad move, because gangsters don’t play. Now Henry has 90 days to cough up $200,000, or else! Where did the 90 days come from? Well, some doctors speculated that Leona was really sick and only have a few months to live, and that information was made public. You know how that goes, you pay doctors enough money, and they will say anything. There’s only one problem, Henry knows that Leona is not really ill, and she won’t be dead in 3 months.

Oh well Henry, I don’t know what to tell you, you better put that pretty boy face of yours in some commercials, or on the cover of some magazines or something, because you have to come up with that money, and from what Waldo tells us, your 90 days are up. But Henry has something sinister in mind for his wife-HE HIRES A HIT MAN TO KILL HER! Stupid, stupid, Henry, why didn’t you just ask your wife for the money?

If she didn’t give it to you, then have her bumped off, but at least ask! Henry decides to call Leona in the final moments leading to her death (11:15pm, yes, she is the one those guys on the phone were talking about killing) I guess to give his last goodbyes, when Leona tells him about the phone call from Waldo who also said that Morano was arrested, so there was no need to cough up the $200,000. Thanks a lot Henry, now you’ve really done it this time. Your wife is about to die for no reason at all, and you’re going to jail for a long time. Hey, since there will be no one around, can I have the house and the car?

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