SHOOT EM UP-2007-ONE STAR

21. January 2008 by Ria.

Usually when I don’t seem able to rent movies fast enough, I will turn to pay per view, or download a movie on the computer in order to make my quota, so this week I watched Shoot em Up, and I have only one thing to say………….I WANT MY $3.99 BACK! I’m seriously thinking of calling up Dish Network and saying this, “Hello, Dish Network? I’m just calling to let you know that there’s a mistake on my bill. I never watched a movie called Shoot Em Up, what is that supposed to be anyway?

I don’t even know how my TV ended up on the pay per view channel, ’cause I didn’t turn it there. Maybe my dog sat on the remote, and accidentally ordered the movie, I don’t know…………Can you please credit my account the $3.99?” You think that will work? No? Oh well, the least I can do is bring you this review.

This movie was incredibly stupid. The leading actor, what’s his name, Clive Owen? Who’s this guy? I guess Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, and Nicholas Cage were too busy to be bothered with this mess, and I can’t blame them. First of all, I’m going to tell you that to have a baby in the midst of all of this violence is preposterous. Yes, I know they didn’t use a real baby for most of the scenes, but still, just the idea of it sounds ludicrous. I actually thought about putting this movie into my comedy archive, ’cause it’s so stupid, all you can do is laugh.

Smith (Clive Owen) is a bum who just happens to be superb with a gun, hangs out with Donna (Monica Bellucci), a lady of the evening, and together they are trying to protect a baby against a bunch of goons that want it dead. I call it an ‘it’, because its never revealed if the baby is a girl or boy. This movie is so unbelievable from the start. First, you got Smith, who was obviously trained in combat miraculously taking on twenty, maybe thirty hit men at one time, without even a scratch.

Did you know he can even do somersaults in the air, and back-flips with a baby in his arms? I wonder where he got the training for that? Okay, so Smith is highly skilled in combat, yet he’s not a police officer, a hit man, or a security guard. In fact, he doesn’t seem to have a job at all. He lives in a dump, and tries to buy a gun with food stamps. Smith is so highly skilled at fighting, did you know he can kill people with carrots? I saw it with my own eyes, Smith rammed a carrot into this guy’s throat, and it came out on the other side. Wow. Can someone teach me to do that with a piece of celery?

Then there is the sex scene. You see, whenever a movie has a weak plot, the writers will try to throw in a sex scene to balance everything out. Bad movie plot/Great sex scene, only this scene isn’t so great. Once again Smith seems to be able to take out all the bad guys while in the middle of a hot fling with Donna, who is so into it, she never realizes that the posse just busted in, and is trying to kill her. Now who in the hell is going to keep on having sex, while someone is trying to take them out?.

Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know. Then there is the parachute scene, where everyone jumps out of a plane, and start shooting at each other. Once again Smith is just so untouchable, as he is able to kill a fist full of hired hoodlums on his way down. His landing is not very pretty, and he stumbles, gets caught and is roughed up a bit.

So now he has a bad leg, and a couple of broken fingers. Somehow he is still able to take on these armed ruffians, while he’s physically a complete mess and possesses no weapon. I wasn’t going to give the movie any stars, but hey, at least they kept the kid from getting hurt, so I’ll be generous and give it one whole star.

Shoot ‘Em Up

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