28. January 2008 by Ria.

The movie starts out with three immature (two Americans and one Icelander), and unbelievably stupid guys running around loose in Amsterdam without their collars, looking for cheap thrills with just about any woman they can get their hands on. I was just sitting there, shaking my head, counting down the minutes when I could finally see all of them get their heads sliced off. I tell you, I didn’t have to wait long-a total stranger informs the guys that if they want to be able to sleep with pretty much any thing that moves, to travel to Slovakia.

So the guys head on up there to stay in a hostel room with two other women who are about to lead them to their deaths. One guy goes missing, then the second guy, winds up being brutally mutilated by a couple of weirdos in some kind of a dungeon. When you get to this scene, just turn your head for a few minutes, and then get immediately back to the movie, which is actually pretty good.

The only man left standing is Paxton (Jay Hernandez), and he’s not having fun anymore, and demands to know where his friends are. The two girls that he shared the room with takes him to some kind of factory where he finds his friend’s dead body, and witnesses other backpackers being tortured. Paxton is captured, and has pain inflicted on him by another maniac, and loses a couple of fingers in the process. But the psycho screws up, slicing Paxton’s handcuffs, and slips on the floor, injuring himself.

Paxton grabs a nearby gun, shoots the guy, steals his clothes, and makes his escape. Paxton soon finds out that he’s inside of a murder-for-profit organization, where capturing and hacking up Americans seem to bring in the most money. Oh, did I tell you, the Slovakian police are also in cahoots with this terrorist group, so Paxton, I don’t what to tell you buddy, you’re probably screwed, but then, isn’t that why you went there in the first place?

Interesting enough, Paxton isn’t so girl crazy now that his life is at stake, and makes a clever getaway, but not before bringing another tortured soul with him, Kana (Jennifer Lim) who’s face is completely jacked up. Okay, so they’re in the car, and Paxton sees his former roommates who are also part of the organization, but Paxton gets his revenge by running them over, oh yeah! So they make it to the train, where Kana gets a glimpse of herself, and would rather be dead than to be disfigured, (she’s apparently never heard of reconstructive surgery) and jumps in front of an oncoming train.

And after Paxton risked his life to save hers, boy, some people are so ungrateful! Okay Paxton, you’re home free, but once again he takes his revenge in Austria when he runs into one of the torturers, and opens up a major can of whoop-ass on this guy in the men’s bathroom. I give this movie  2 1/2 stars, plus an additional 1/2 star for the hero making his superb escape, and for his entertaining reprisal, and there you have it.

Hey, check out the trailer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYbaveZ0NYY

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27. January 2008 by Ria.

If you must go to a movie theater, you will pay premium price for a movie ticket, but you can go cheap on food by following my guidelines in this article to save yourself some money. Who knows, maybe you’re already sneaking in stuff, but if not, I’ll guide you on your quest not to get ripped off by high priced movie theaters. Not only is this article about my techniques, but its also about the certain kinds of food you should sneak in, and what to avoid, so let’s get started. 

No woman should go to any movie theater without her huge tote bag hanging on her shoulders in order to make sure she can carry the maximum amount of items in it without having to buy a single thing from the concession stand. Now ladies, if you’re afraid that some nosy theater manager or movie usher will demand to look in your purse, don’t worry, just throw some dirty underwear or socks on top, so if they peak in your bag, that’s the first thing they’ll see and immediately get embarrassed, and look no further.

I’ve never had to open my purse for anyone, but you never know. Just make sure that you don’t forget to take those items out of your bag when you get home, you don’t want to be walking around and someone asks you for a pen, and you pull out a nasty pair of panties instead. Now, guys, unless you have a huge trench coat that you can immediately hide a burger in, forget about it. You will just have to pay full price for everything, including the movie ticket.

Hey, it’s better this way. Unless you’re with your buddies, do you really want your date to think you’re a cheapo when you ask her,”Hey baby, can you please stash my burrito from taco bell in that purse of yours?” Let’s now talk about some goodies to bring in. Get yourself some Sourpatch Kids, Snickers, and Reese’s candy from any drug or food store. Just remember, all of these items are under a $1 a piece, so you should be able to stock up just nicely, and you’ll blend in well with the other people in the theater.

Think about it, everyone will be eating the same thing, but you’ll be able to pat yourself on the back for not spending almost $5 for a box of Milk Duds. Next, visit your local McDonald’s, and if you live in the States, there should be one on every corner. Go directly to the dollar menu, and stock up on burgers, fries, but don’t get a drink, I’ll talk about that later on. If you like hot dogs, then go to your nearest hot dog stand and get the biggest dog you can find for no more than $2.

I would suggest tacos, but with all that crunching going on, you will look and sound conspicuous in the theater, and someone might rat you out. Chips, you can get anywhere, but if you must have movie theater popcorn for the cheapest price, this is what you should do. Get yourself some microwave popcorn, pop it, melt some butter, put in on top, and you’re set.

Throw in some gummy worms, or orange slices, shake it up, put in a brown bag, and you’re good to go. Now for drinks, any kind goes, however, stick to the 16 fl oz plastic bottles. Cans make too much noise when opened, and let’s say that you drink some and have half of a can left, then suddenly in comes a nosy usher down your isle, and you have to hide your drink, what are you going to do? Now if you have the plastic bottle and its only half full, put the top back on it so that you can immediately shove it into your purse or a coat if you need to. 

Don’t forget to try this technique at the dollar show to save even more money. I used to do this all the time at the Dollar Theater near my home. I wonder if that’s why they went out of business?

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27. January 2008 by Ria.

Oh, the torture. I’m not talking about the victims in this movie, I’m talking about me! This is the absolute worst of the Saw Movies made so far, it just goes to show you how Hollywood writers will let a good movie sequel go down the tubes for the sake of a buck. The beginning scene was okay, when the medical examiners were doing an autopsy on Jigsaw.

Blood and guts everywhere, wonderful. I thought bats and words symbolizing formulas (like emc2= pi, or the square root of something or another) were going to fly out of his head when it was split open for the second time. No, they find a microcassette inside the stomach, and they play it. Hey, IT’S JIGSAW TRYING TO SING A MEL TORME TUNE? No, not quite, it’s just more crap about how his work will continue and blah blah blah. Really? I didn’t know there were a lot of serial killers/engineers signing up to go into business with him. Did he place an ad in the paper or something?

The next scene is just more torture. A blind, and a mute man chained in one of Jigsaw’s trap of death. How brutal, but don’t worry, I had my Frank Sinatra songs standing by once again to heal me from the traumatic event. Next scene, detective Kerry from Saw III is found dead, caught in another Jigsaw trap, and Lieutenant Riggs (Lyriq Bent) is pissed off, and decides to become vigiliant. In other words, another police officer plays hero and pays dearly as a result of not being able to think outside the box and outsmart Jigsaw.

Riggs goes home, and gets knocked out by someone. Lets say he was out for about five hours give or take an hour, ’cause trust me, he wasn’t unconscious for a full day!. He wakes up in a tub, goes into his living room, and finds a lady seated in a Jigsaw trap that starts pulling her hair out. There are also numerous pictures hanging about, and a video monitor showing Detective Matthews (of the Wahlberg clan) hanging over a couple blocks of ice.

Okay, wait, back up a second. How in the hell did Mr. Killer get all that stuff inside Rigg’s apartment within a five hour time span with no one noticing? Remember, Riggs lives in an apartment complex. See, if Jigsaw recruited me, and I found out that moving heavy equipment up and down stairs was in the job description, I would have to resign. Well, first I would say, “Okay Jigsaw, I want $50,000 up front, and another $20,000 if I throw my back out as a result of lifting this crap. Oh yeah, I also want an extra $100,000 to pay for my lawyer, just in case I get caught.”

Next, where was the victim while Mr. Killer was planting the torture device? Let’s just say she was tied up somewhere, and now the two of them were on her way to Riggs home. Was she gagged, blindfolded, and held at gunpoint as she trekked her way into the apartment complex?

Did no one not notice this? Moving forward, Riggs snapps out of it, rescues the victim from the trap, but not before she’s totally messed up, and she tries to kill him! Riggs finds another tape, and he falls right into Jigsaw’s scheme. Riggs will try to rescue Matthews on his own, and everyone will suffer because of it. End of Story.

Oh yeah, I can’t forget about the scenes that go back in time when Jigsaw was sane, and married (a fool born every minute) a woman named Jill (Betsy Russell). She was pregnant with his child, but a drug addict slammed a door into her stomach, she lost the baby, and I guess he just lost it. Not only does this not make sense, but three sequels later, who really gives a damn? I want to close this review by telling you that a police buddy, Detective Hoffman is Jigsaw’s successor, Mr. Killer as I’ve named him. I have only one thing to say to that guy, I HOPE JIGSAW IS PAYING YOU A LOT OF MONEY!

Now I have real proof Jigsaw is retarded! Click on the link below!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j0os9Yd434

Saw IV (Unrated Full Screen Edition)

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